Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

The motion picture camera was invented in 1889, the same year Charlie Chaplin was born. Twenty five years later this little $#!+ decides the cinema is the perfect forum for his comedic and/or perverted endeavors.

Before Chaplin came along, the only comedy on screen consisted of 25 men dressed as constabulary, all riding around in one horseless carriage at high speeds (10 mph). Thanks to a lack of safety laws, the Keystone Cops, as they were known, could kill off two or three in every scene as their steampunk autogyro mobile careened and flipped whimsically into jaywalkers and telegraph poles.

Then one day Charlie Chaplin showed up and was like “Man, I’m tired of being a tramp and having no money. I’m going to be a tramp with millions!”

He turned the camera toward himself and smiled and twitched his little Hitlerian mustache (which was all the rage at the time), and the public laughed their asses off.

“OH MY GAD!” Said the entire population of Earth in a nasally transcontinental accent. “DIS DUDE HERE IS A FRICKIN’ COMEDY MASTAH!”

Feature Length films were not a thing yet. Neither was sound… or editing, apparently. This meant most of the time they (gnomes) would pretty much just turn the camera on and improvise a play. No close ups. No dynamic camera movements. Just Charlie standing there twitching his mustache or, once that had run its course, punching everyone in sight. Because of the lack of labor involved, Charlie cranked these “productions” out faster than crap through a goose. From 1914 to 1915 he produced 36 films, each about 10 to 15 minutes long and each consisting of him pugiliating any man, woman, or child who might chance to cross his path. Once he got bored with this, he started throwing bricks. Were these prop bricks? An excellent question!

After making some slightly more focused and romantic comedies for Essany Films and Mutual Films, Chaplin signed a contract with First National Films for 1 million dollars, a number thought only to be mythical in 1916.

With .001% of that money, Chuck Chaplin built his studio which later became infested with muppets after a pile of felt inexplicably gained sentience. A young Jim Henson, seeing a rare opportunity, would later purchase this same studio and subsequently put the muppet squatters to work making such classic films as Big Bird Goes to China and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze.

When he wasn’t fighting muppets, Chucky the Chapinator would now film some of his more famous full length features such as The Kid starring Fester Addams. I’m dead serious. Look it up. 

The Kid would be inspired in part by Charlie ChapChap’s own childhood: left by his father, a mother committed to an asylum, and Charles himself forced to live in work houses which is what orphanages were called back in the 90’s (1890’s) and what they’ll likely be called again in the 2090’s.

Speaking of kids, a 16 year old girl would come forth, claiming to be preggers with Chap’s behbeh. This was false but an outraged Charles would put a stop to such baseless accusations once and for all by marrying this child and conceiving with her another child, this one non-fictional.

To make a long story short I’ll just say Chucky Boi gets roped into a marriage about two or three more times in the midst of his multiple affairs (over 2,000 but who’s counting?) with girls young enough to be his daughter, granddaughter, then great granddaughter, respectively as time marched on. It’s like he forgot that he was continuing to age after 16.

One girl started stalking him. I mean, can you blame her!?! Look at this guy! 

Somewhere in the midst of all this, Chapley Charlin got together with some other dudes and a lady and founded United Artists, a company wherein actors and filmmakers are allowed to raise money for their own projects and profit directly from the proceeds and other such perks. The company is still up and running today.

1925 Chuckster Chapster becomes the first film star to appear on the cover of Time Magazine. Another film star wouldn’t appear on the cover until 1941 with infamous nemesis of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Rita Hayworth.

Meanwhile back in the movies (remember those?), Charlie “Sell Me Your Womens” Chaplin makes “Modern Times” (1936) a humorous commentary on labor conditions in the U.S. The use of the audio track was becoming more and more popular in films at this time but Charlie would scoff at this notion.

“Spoken dialogue!?!” I assume was his thought process,”Why the hell would anyone want to hear people speak!?! Enough speaking! Give me another million dollars! Where are da womens!?!”

After traveling the world with yet another blushing VERY young bride, Charlie came back with some strong political views. Taking note of his similarity in appearance to Adoofus Hitler, Chaplin made The Great Dictator (1940) and this time he would take full advantage of the audio track, speaking for five minutes directly to the camera, pleading against fascism and war. 

Despite his calls for peace, Charlie’s urging for the U.S.’s friendship with Russia and the fact that he never became a U.S. citizen (and let’s face it, the rest of his conduct) made J. Edgar Hoover suspicious of Chap’s political leanings. Of all the people who could suspect you were a communist in 1940, J. Edgar was a doozy! And in 1940, being a bearded communist was even worse than being a crude stupidly rich unaccountable human predator, apparently.

When Chaplin would travel to London with his yet even newer VERY young blushing bride (He was 36 years her senior) for the premiere of his last film “Limelight”, a mostly autobiographical film, he would not be allowed back to the United States.

He and his wife (yes, the same wife from the last paragraph, remarkably) settled in the land of egg rolls and kung pao chicken: Switzerland.

Two decades passed and the political climate in the U.S. evolved. Charlie Chapstick’s contributions to the world of cinema began to be recognized. The fact that he had remained married to the same woman for longer than a year and fathered eight children with her seemingly put the population at ease regarding his insatiable appetites. Debutantes were allowed to debut once again with little fear of the Chapper swooping in, sweaty and wild-eyed. He was granted an honorary doctorate from Oxford. He was given an honorary Oscar and received it in the United States to a 12 minute standing ovulation.

Shortly after that, he was knighted by the actual queen of England. Another short while after that, he was crowned King of England. Just kidding! He died.

But do you think his story stops here? Niet! In 1978, a year after he finally quit being so damn frisky, his coffin was dug up by grave robbers! Who else!?! Remember that girl that was stalking him? It wasn’t her. I’m betting it was Essany Films wanting to make one last “Weekend at Bernie’s” type comedy before they finally laid him to rest.

It’s a great rags to riches story and the contributions he made to film and cinema cannot be denied (among several other factors that cannot be denied) and that is why we shall always remember the name of Charleston Chew.

Here’s his filmography if you’re interested:

1914 with Keyestone

• Making a Living
• Kid Auto Races at Venice
• Mabel’s Strange Predicament
• A Thief Catcher
• Between Showers
• A Film Johnnie
• Tango Tangles
• His Favorite Pastime
• Cruel, Cruel Love
• The Star Boarder
• Mabel at the Wheel
• Twenty Minutes of Love
• Caught in a Cabaret
• Caught in the Rain
• A Busy Day
• The Fatal Mallet
• Her Friend the Bandit
• The Knockout
• Mabel’s Busy Day
• Mabel’s Married Life
• Laughing Gas
• The Property Man
• The Face on the Bar Room Floor
• Recreation
• The Masquerader
• His New Profession
• The Rounders
• The New Janitor
• Those Love Pangs
• Dough and Dynamite
• Gentlemen of Nerve
• His Musical Career
• His Trysting Place
• Tillie’s Punctured Romance
• Getting Acquainted
• His Prehistoric Past

With Essanay Film Manufacturing Company

1915

• His New Job
• A Night Out
• The Champion
• In the Park
• A Jitney Elopement

The Tramp

• By the Sea
• Work
• A Woman
• The Bank
• Shanghaied
• A Night in the Show

1916

• Charlie Chaplin’s Burlesque on Carmen
• Police

Other Essanay titles

• Triple Trouble (film put together by Essanay from unfinished Chaplin films two years after he had left the company)

With Mutual Film Corporation

1916

• The Floorwalker
• The Fireman
• The Vagabond
• One A.M
• The Count
• The Pawnshop
• Behind the Screen
• The Rink

1917

• Easy Street
• The Cure
• The Immigrant
• The Adventurer

With First National

1918

• A Dog’s Life
• The Bond
• Shoulder Arms

1919

• Sunnyside
• A Day’s Pleasure

1921

• The Kid
• The Idle Class

1922

• Pay Day

1923

• The Pilgrim

With United Artists

• 1923 A Woman of Paris
• 1925 and 1942 The Gold Rush
• 1928 The Circus
• 1931 City Lights
• 1936 Modern Times
• 1940 The Great Dictator
• 1947 Monsieur Verdoux
• 1952 Limelight
• 1995 Weekend at Bernie’s 3: Charlie’s Revenge.