Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

(2003)

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS NOT FOR KIDS. IF YOU’RE UNDER THE AGE OF 25, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Yes, I’m a 43 year old man with strong opinions on Strawberry Shortcake. Deal with it.

First of all, what’s with this manifestation? They (gnomes) are clearly trying to update the characters but jeans, a sweater tied around the waist, and a hat the size of a life raft? They may as well give her sunglasses and a skateboard and make her say things like “Yo yo yo! What up, kidz!?!”

The whole appeal of Strawberry Shortcake is her frilly, hard to animate, outfits. Yeah, kids might watch anything you put in front of them but that doesn’t mean they like it. Put the original and this version in front of any little girl and see what they choose.

The 1990 version is really weird to me because it IS huge bows and gaudy dresses but it’s too complicated and just too much in general. There’s a simplicity to the original designs which is not present in the 1990 update. The original looks like old-timey kids playing by the ol’ waterin’ hole. It’s rustic and quaint. 1990’s Shortcake looks like she’s at a birthday party and she just got a brand new pony to replace the last one she left out in the rain.

Berry Bitty Adventures (2009) got it pretty close to the mark with updating. The characters are at least wearing cute enough/modern enough outfits that both appeal to the intended audience (which I’m very well aware is not me) and still manages to not look like they’re all part of a 90’s grunge garage band from Seattle. They don’t HAVE to look like antebellum dainties (be a lot cooler if they did) but they can still be adorable.

Berry in the Big City (2021) has lost the way again. It’s a sign the apocalypse is nigh. Points for getting more inclusive though.

I do feel like the upgrade for Huckleberry was a welcome change. As the only boy in a cartoon directed specifically toward girls (it was the 80’s) sans the villains and other such male characters, Huckleberry just looked kind of silly. I think he was patterned after something like Huck Finn which obviously fits the “ol’ waterin’ hole” motif. But it reminds me of the Ken doll  from Toy Story, insisting he’s not a girls’ toy and yet has an undeniable fashion sense. Huckleberry’s update is kind of cool. I would dress like him if I liked long sleeves and wearing two shirts at the same time.

Anyway, I’ve said my piece and counted to three.

So, Berry Merry Christmas comes from the 2003 mutation but it’s set in winter so they have an excuse for not wearing frilly pretty things and their lovable tramp costumes are covered with galoshes and puffy coats.

Fashion concerns aside, this cluster begins with all Strawberry Snortcrack’s friends showing up at her Christmas party for which she is ill prepared due to reasons I don’t care to remember. This means she leaves her guests to entertain themselves while she goes on an apparent several-mile long trek with her talking horse to gather gifts for them.

Shartcake’s indecision about what to get each guest makes for a semi amusing three act arc that should entertain most moderately intelligent apes like myself. The issue I take with this excursion is in regards to her creepy talking horse. Everywhere Slobbery Shortcock goes, this stupid horse is trying to convince her to gift her friends a shiny new saddle. Yes, you read that right.

Now can you imagine? None of these other characters have horses to my knowledge. What the hell are they supposed to do with a saddle? What would be going through Huckleberry’s mind after excitedly opening a beautifully wrapped Christmas present in front of Schnozberry and all her friends only to pull out a full set of horse tack. That would just be awkward for everyone.

Now I’m not outrageously stupid. I only pretend to be outrageously stupid so no one will realize how averagely stupid I am. I get it. The horse just assumed everyone would want a saddle because that’s what she wanted. Or maybe she was being manipulative. Either way, all I could think of was Stabbery Shatcork’s friends wearing saddles. I’M SORRY! This is what I get for watching things that aren’t meant for my demographic!

This ain’t no episode of Cow and Chicken which was a show clearly written for adults but mistakenly aired on a kids’ network. I’m certain the writers of STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE are just making silly dialogue for children to laugh at. But it’s very hard for me (a supposed adult) to pay attention to the ever so gripping plot of “will she or won’t she find appropriate gifts for her friends” when I’m trying to decide which friend would best perform in a steeplechase!!!

Incidentally, I think the talking horse would have unfair advantage in that venue.

All in all, this was one step away from being mind numbing drivel. If it didn’t have a nice lesson about friendship and “its the thought that counts” and all that crap, I would have written this off entirely.