Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

Ah, summer! For many it means a break. No more pencils. No more books. No more teacher’s rusty hooks. I can’t remember how the rhyme goes. It’s not important. Summer means playtime. That’s all there is to it.

And yet for others summer is not breaktime. Nor is it playtime. Yes, for a diligent few, summer is the time to trade in the pencils and books for a menu and a burger-flipper, or a rake and lawnmower, or perhaps a rubber chicken and a nail gun. If it’s legal and all parties are consenting, I won’t ask questions! The real question is how to land the perfect summer job for you? Here’s some Do’s and Do-NOT-Do’s to secure that seasonal position!

DO- Get on it, slowpoke! The sooner you get your foot in the door, the more likely you’ll land that job and collect workman’s compensation for a crushed foot. If you missed the boat this year, fear not. You’re already on the hunt so why not apply for next summer today! Turn PROcrastination into CONcrastination! 

DO NOT DO- Don’t do your job hunting over the phone. Appearances aside, employers want to make sure you smell good… or at the very least, neutral. Unless you’re applying to clean septic tanks, don’t show up smelling like you just got out of one.

DO- Dress for the job you’re seeking. If you want a job at a sandwich shop, coordinate several appealing layers. Should you desire to work at a burrito stand, a festive wrap is suitable. Want to get on the paint crew? Be sure to put on a fresh coat. I could go on.

DO NOT DO- Don’t steal a uniform from your prefered place of employment prior to your interview to wear as a show of solidarity. Doing so will not have the desired effect. In fact it will likely raise a lot of uncomfortable questions.

DO- Respect the job. It may only be a summer job and you plan on going back to school afterward but that doesn’t mean you should burn the place down on your last day. Doing so may invoke hostilities when trying to reapply next year.

DO NOT DO- Just because a new task wasn’t in the original job description, that’s no reason to flip the boss’s desk and blow your nose on her lunch. Going above and beyond could translate into a promotion or even marriage!

DO- Always be available. Be so available you put the store’s own address in place of your home address on the application. Be so available your coworkers start spreading rumors of a phantom who stocks the shelves after hours. Be so available you see your face printed on the milk cartons you’re putting on the shelves.

DO NOT DO- Certain questions should be avoided at the interview. Among them are “Where do you keep the money?”, “What’s the combination?”, and “How do I prevent the alarms from activating?”. Don’t worry! The answers to these questions will likely come about in regular conversation around the watercooler.

DO- Show some enthusiasm you dead-eyed suburbanite! Just because the only job you could find was mixing concrete by hand doesn’t mean you can’t ACT excited! Always look on the bright side! After a few days of that job you’re going to look like Charles Atlas. Time to show that beach bully who’s boss!

SUMMER JOBS YOU SHOULD AVOID:

By Professor Popinjay

1: Stunt double for a Crash Test Dummy.

2: Cramp Councilor.

3: Unripe berry Re-attacher.

4: Sad Trombone accompaniment to the city coroner.

5: Professional beach weenie.

6: Cockfight Referee.

7: Mangled Diving-Cage Retriever.

8: Corndog dislodger.

9: Horse Thief.

10: Assistant to Professor Popinjay.