Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

(1954)

Yeah, it was December and I was dating this fly ass honey, see? And she’s like “Dude! We should totally watch White Christmas, yo!”

And I’m like “For real? Cuz I always thought White Christmas was just a stale Christmas special with no story.”

Then she’s like “ Naw, dawg! It has a bad ass story! It’s got laughs and feels and Christmas!”

And I’m like “For real?”

And she’s like “Yeah, for real.”

So we watched it, and you know what? My fly ass honey was totally for real! It’s not just a bunch of singing and no story like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s hit broadway musical Cats! It actually has an amusing story starring Bing Crosby (not to be confused with Bill Cosby) and Danny Kaye (Not to be confused with Daffy Duck).

It’s about these two fellas who happen upon their old commander who’s running a ski lodge but it’s starting to tank because there’s no snow. These fellas decide to do a show there at the lodge as a benefit to their commander. It’s all very sweet.

The drama in the story unfortunately is generated (and I do mean generated) by a misunderstanding which is always a cop out literarily speaking. Normal humans tend to avoid misunderstandings by actually communicating. If ever a misunderstanding persists longer than ten minutes it’s usually because the people involved hadn’t had a chance to talk and in the meantime they put their feelings on hold until they can better understand.

In the movies we have to sit through morons overhearing a small part of a conversation that didn’t involve them and when something is said out of context they jump to conclusions and do everything BUT communicate for 45 minutes of runtime which accounts for several days of movie time. Meanwhile the audience knows the whole time what the misunderstanding was, how to solve the issue, and what the outcome will be.

Sometimes this situation can be amusing but most the time it’s just boring. It’s like an hour and a half long episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Most people I know don’t want to sit through even a 22 minute episode of that!

But once White Christmas gets past the misunderstanding aspect and back to the actual sweet story it’s pretty good. Worth the watch, even annually.

What is it about Bing Crosby’s voice that lulls me into a Christmasy lethargy? Even hearing Taz’s dad on Taz-Mania (voiced by Maurice LeMarche doing an impression of Bing) makes me think of Christmas. That show takes place in Tasmania, the most un-christmasy place on the planet.

For the most part though this really was a “White” Christmas. That always drives me nuts with such a huge cast and it’s such a missed opportunity considering the amazing black performers that where around at the time.

They had one of those lines like “You’re the sorriest bunch of pathetic losers I have had the displeasure of knowing and I’m deeply touched by the kindness of this gesture.” It’s become cliché nowadays and The Simpsons even started making fun of those kinds of lines but it feels earned here because they’re probably the first to do it AND the person saying it WAS their commander so it makes sense that he would grill them a bit just for funsies.

Anyway, you’re the sorriest bunch of readers I’ve ever had the displeasure of writing for and I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for reading! I love you all!

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Habari Gani? Seasons greeting! Oh CRAP! IT’S SUMMER!!!!