Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movies (Part 2 of 2)

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

This article will regard the following films:

Batman vs. the TMNT (2019)
Secret of the Ooze (1991)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Batman vs. the TMNT (2019):

I actually did a non-review for Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a long time ago but I never ported it over to this platform because I wasn’t satisfied with it. I realized about halfway through the article I was going to present some major spoilers and I decided I didn’t wanna do that because this film is actually really fun and I recommend seeing it if you’re into either turtles or Batman.

This is the only hint you get.

It is funny to me the title implies this whole film is about Batman fighting Ninja Turtles, but that goes on for like 30 seconds before they realize they’re on the same team. Still a great film with an amazing third act.

Secret of the Ooze (1991):

The sequel to the original 1990 live action film, this film got the PTA all up in its business. I assume some kid took a homemade nunchuck to the face and the pearl-clutchers united to shut down imitateable violence. So the turtles used ropes of sausage and other things they could find as impromptu weapons. This was frustrating as a kid because while nunchucks were easy to make, homemade sausage was a whole ‘nother endeavor entirely. You have to get a meat grinder and sausage casing. It’s a lot of work just to imitate violence. Eventually I just asked my mom if she could buy me some linked sausages so I could beat people to death with them. She bought the sausage but we just ended up eating them for dinner. Thanks for your input PTA, you made this movie suck.

Sausage-chucks. What’s next, baguette swords? Coat rack bo staff? Rotisserie Sais?

It didn’t help that everyone was looking forward to the appearance of Bebop and Rocksteady but that was also not to be. Although Toka and Rahzar have been welcomed boss fights in many of the video games.

I don’t recall Rahzar being able to breathe fire in the movie but that’s video games for you. They do what they want some times.

Despite its shortcomings, seeing this in the theatre with my dad was a good memory and I was thrilled by all of it back then, especially the Vanilla Ice song at the end. Parents today are sick of their kids singing “Let it Go! Let it go!” I drove my parents nuts with “Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!”

The once wildly famous “rapper” Vanilla Ice (Robert Van Winkle) now performs his hits at festivals and runs a successful real estate business. Good on ya, mate!

This was one of the first soundtracks I ever owned. My friends and I would hold “professional” wrestling matches on my trampoline and the gladiatorial theme at the end of the cd would serve as fanfare for our entry to the ring. We were such a bunch of dorks! Great fun.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993):

I remember being a little disappointed with this as a kid, the third installment of the original live-action films. It had no Shredder, no mutants beside the turtles themselves, the villain was boring. I get that Splinter comes from Japan or his master or something like that. It would have been slightly more interesting to see Splinter go to feudal Japan and be involved with the story more so than just sitting in his own time doing nothing.

Pretty sure Splinter was reduced to half a puppet for this film to save money. He doesn’t really get out of his dining car window the whole film.

At least they could have introduced Oroku Saki’s ancestors, instill in the past some reason for the generational hatred of these pesky turtles, put Karai’s origins in the past and have her sneak to the future! ANYTHING!

Nevertheless, my dad dutifully took me to this film too and therefore, it was good times no matter what. We went to Taco Bell afterward and I ate an enchorito sans onions and a chilito. The girl at the counter asked if the movie we just saw featured the song Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. It did but it was only in the credits.

By strange coincidence this rework of Baltimora’s Tarzan Boy was released just four days before publishing this article.

I remember my dad pointing out that one of the samurai from ancient Japan had on his shoulder a scar from a tuberculosis test which didn’t start happening until 1921. I thought that was a pretty clever observation of a movie mistake.

This film and its predecessor spawned the movie-star versions of the action figures which were hyper realistic, highly detailed figures. I know my nephew had Leonardo. I think I had the Splinter figure which was flocked with velvety fuzz. Leo already had a samurai version of his self released years before so now we had two.

In that line they also had April, Princess Mitzu (whom I have no recollection of being a princess in the film), and of course Walker the villain who looks like he should be from a Shakespeare festival more than Ninja Turtles. Aside from the turtles, the rest of these toys were all kind of lame figures that never left the shelves.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990):

Here it is. The one that started it all. Was it the greatest movie ever made? Not really. It’s plot was simple and accessible, which was probably for the best. It had Raphael saying “damn” every two minutes which probably wasn’t the best choice considering the film’s intended audience. Casey Jones was just a tad bit grapey. Also, as a kid, I had no idea why Michaelangelo thought this version of April was such a “fox” and as an adult I still don’t see it. Judith Hoag was an odd choice for her part I thought, especially if they were going for sex appeal but I guess that’s just, like, you know, my opinion, man.

Judith Hoag (April O’Neil 1990, left) on the set of 2016’s Out of the Shadows with Megan Fox (right) for a cameo which would ultimately be cut. Was this more revenge for Hoag’s criticisms of the stunt team’s treatment in the 1990 turtles film or was being cut from the 2016 film a blessing in disguise?

Still, as a kid I ate this film UP!!! The practical suits worn by the turtle actors were amazing for their time. Kudos to Jim Henson for that aspect. The martial arts were enough to get my endorphins pumping. The jokes were joke-like. And shredder was the best he’s ever been!

This film put New Line Cinema on the map too. New Line (they) were in the habit of making second rate films no other studio would touch. No one was interested in making this movie. It cost 13.5 million dollars to make and generated 202 million dollars in ticket sales worldwide. I’m sure the other studios were eating their hats at that news. I wish I had been buying stock instead of playing with action figures… no I don’t.

Needs Ketchup.

Not only was this one of the first movies just me and my dad went to, I also had the distinct pleasure of seeing it again much later in life during the 2025 theatrical rerelease. Naturally my buddy Mathew, who had brought the event to my attention, would be attending this with me. Of my select few friends of high caliber, Matt is one of those few who would truly appreciate seeing this again. He has a wealth of inside information regarding TMNT and this film combines two of his favorite things: Ninja Turtles and Jim Henson. Among our other favorite pastimes is playing through old beat-em-up arcade games of which Turtles in Time stands head-and-shoulders above the rest.

Matt and I shortly after conquering Turtles in Time at Joey’s Pizza. Good times!

Usually, I’m driving Matt crazy, predicting the plots of films we’re watching. This time it was his turn to fill me in on the minutiae of behind-the-scenes information, a welcome commentary. It was very nostalgic and fun to be in good company during this experience again. By the attendance in the theater, this fandom is going strong. It’s easy to see why these turtle guys have stuck around as long as they have. It’s amazing to think it started with two artists just trying to make each other laugh with their drawings. It’s inspiring and makes me want to get back to my own drawing board real fast!