Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

(1990)

As I was still identifying through my parents when this first came out, I turned my nose up at this just like they did. It looked dark and spooky and NOT for the likes of us! This is not to present my parents as a couple of prudes. We went as a family to see Batman Returns (1992) just two years later. They hated it as all parents did back then and it frightened me considerably. The music on the other hand enthralled me and I began to realize Danny Elfman would be among my favorite composers.

I’ve listened to so much Elfman throughout my life since then, I’ve begun to notice his tropes and sometimes they come off as cliché to me but back in the 90’s I was an Elfman aficionado. I collected soundtracks to Tim Burton films I had never seen and I engraved them into my subconscious to the point I now manifest an almost Pavlovian response when I hear even one note from Elfman’s repertoire. Specifically, I begin salivating and I think it’s time to eat.

This obsession fostered an interest to see the movies to which these soundtracks applied and naturally Edward Scissorhands was among them. Its musical score was beautiful! I couldn’t imagine a film with such beautiful music being all that bad.

And it wasn’t.

Edward Scissorhands plays out like a fairytale. Yeah it might have a scissor-handed scary looking guy at its center but he is the sweetest, most unassuming person you could ever meet. And he’s kind of a foundling.

It’s like a combination between Frankenstein and the story of Kaspar Hauser! It’s really similar to Kaspar Hauser actually. It made me wonder if it was an inspiration for this. Research reveals this is not the case despite the similarities. Granted Kaspar didn’t have scissors for hands.

It was cool to see Vincent Price in this. Burton seems to like him, understandably so, considering his fascination with the macabre.

There’s a stop motion short, by Tim Burton, called Vincent about a boy who fancies himself to be Vincent Prince which is actually narrated by Vincent Price. It’s cute like a lot of Burton’s early stuff. Ever see the original Frankenweenie, the live action short from 1984?

Alan Arkin really clicked for me as Bill, the father of the suburban family who takes in Edward. Arkin is Arkin all the time it seems. I did not care for him as Schmendrick in 1982’s The Last Unicorn. He was so dry. But dry seems to be his schtick so when he’s in a purposely dry role it works. Arkin’s role of Bill seemed to be one of quiet reserve if not subservience. His wife Peg (Diane West) was a constant flurry of activity and Bill was just kind of cool with it, like “Oh, that’s what we’re doing, okay, let’s go.”

At one point, Bill gets home from work, takes off his coat and hat, is immediately addressed by Peg who informs him Edward is missing, at which point Bill, without skipping a beat, pausing, or reacting emotionally in any way, in one solid movement, puts his coat and hat right back on and heads back to the car to help look for Edward. Great performance and so in tune with his character. You get the idea he’s spent decades with this assertive woman who can’t be stopped so he just goes along with it. It’s adorable.

I have to say something about Anthony Michael Hall. I was today years old when I realized the bully in this film was also the skinny brainy twerp, Brian Johnson, in the Breakfast Club (1985). Come to find out he’s also Ron Kruger in season 2 of Wednesday (2025). This guy metamorphoses from grub to pupa to moth and looks wholly different at every stage. Oh, he was the first Rusty Griswold too. Mind blown.

I don’t want to spoil things but it really irritates me the wishy washiness of the townspeople. It makes this a sad story. That’s not a complaint though. Sad stories are necessary sometimes. Sometimes a story that makes you righteously indignant on someone’s behalf can inspire you to do things better and not be that guy, if you follow me. Nevertheless it ends on a high note.

Edward Scissorhands is a thoroughly entertaining film. I think it has a good message… or perhaps a good anti-message. It’s very much a Tim Burton film, almost more so than Batman Returns. Batman Returns is like a Burton art showcase that just happens to feature Batman. It’s so horrible. I love it!

Thus concludes my Non-review of Batman Returns.