Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

(2011)

Just when I thought the story of Romeo and Juliet couldn’t get any weirder than Troma Team’s “Tromeo & Juliet” (1996) or Hallmark’s “The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns” (1999), they (gnomes, obviously) go and make something like this.

I was avidly avoiding this film. It just looked beyond my threshold for stupidity and that’s saying something! Then one day my hyper-intelligent wife recommended it. I mean that sincerely. My wife is both hyper and intelligent. If she recommends it, there must be more to it than I initially judged.

First thing I noticed: Gnomeo & Juliet has no business having the cast that it does. The only thing I can imagine is the producers had these star’s friends and family and were holding them hostage until this movie got made. James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Maggie Smith, Ashley Jensen, Michael Caine, Matt Lucas, Jim Cummings, Jason Statham, Ozzy Osbourne, Stephen Merchant, Patrick Stewart, Julie Walters, Hulk Hogan, and Dolly Parton. I assume they were all blackmailed in some way to get them to not only agree to do this movie but to bring their A-game and not just phone it in.

And they do amazingly well! You can’t even remotely tell that any of these actors are under duress while performing! It is as if they each were genuinely happy to be involved and not forced against their will in any way with the exception of Hulk Hogan who was either orchestrating this whole affair or just didn’t care about whomever was being tortured on his behalf. Probably his grandmother… Vernice.

The other thing I noticed was that this film was genuinely humorous all the way through and immensely entertaining. Need I remind you, this is a love story about gnomes!?!

Not actual gnomes either but sentient plaster lawn gnomes that come to life when no one is looking à la Toy Story! They make that signature clinking and scraping noise when they get in a tussle and if they fall from a height they shatter. They’re not the only sentient lawn ornaments in this story either. There’s even plastic flamingoes and stone fish. All singing, all dancing. First it’s the toys, then cars, videogame characters, emojis, food brand mascots, food itself, now kitschy yard decor!?! DOES ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD STAY INANIMATE WHILE OUR BACKS ARE TURNED!?!

I’m sorry.

Despite resisting this film with every part of my being, I actually liked it. I want to see the sequel Sherlock Gnomes (2018). I hope there’s more eventually.

Optional Tangent:

For those who have read more than one of my Non-reviews, you’ve probably noticed I refer to gnomes frequently. It started when I realized we will often refer to an ambiguous “they”. In some cases it can be speculated as to who this “they” might be but it seemed to me a strange thing to do. Sometimes “they” is the government, sometimes it’s movie production companies. I saw an opportunity to exploit the absurdity of always referring to someone ambiguously. It’s an oxymoron. If we’re going to refer to someone, why not get specific? Obviously it’s because we don’t want to be bothered to research everything we’re just haphazardly conversing about. I get that. So I just exploit it for humor’s sake. Who’s they? They is gnomes. Cuz it’s funny to me.

And no offense to actual gnomes either. They’re very helpful and good natured people, just like Tom Bosley.