Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

Also known as: Father Frost

Russian title: Морозко (Morozko “Frosty” in English)

There are a lot of movies called “Jack Frost”. There’s the one where Michael Keaton becomes a snowman and teaches us to live, laugh, and love. There’s the terrible horror movie and its sequel with the killer mutant snowman who teaches us to scream, run, and die. There’s the Rankin and Bass story of the Jack Frost we in the states are vaguely aware of. Morozko is neither intentionally horrific nor does it feature a snowman… nor Michael Keaton, while we’re on the subject. In fact, it barely features Jack Frost (Father Frost?) until the end. And what does it teach us? Don’t be spoiled arrogant entitled Мудак!

Morosko… excuse me, Jack Frost was a hit amongst my friends and I. Not necessarily because it was good; rather, because it was so innocently cheesy.

It’s kind of a Cinderella tale right down to the wicked stepmother and a singular ugly step sister. The father is still alive though but kind of hen-pecked. He’s even ordered to leave his lovely biological daughter Nastenka in the woods to freeze to death. He takes her out there but is like “hmmmmm, nah.”

Nastenka runs away because she doesn’t want dad to get punished by stepmom for coming home with her. Let’s see, dad gets “punished” or I freeze to death. Well we can’t have dad getting “punished”. Seriously, what could stepmom do to dad that could be worse than his only beloved daughter freezing to death? Yeah, I got nothing.

Then there’s this dude, Ivan, who is pretty arrogant but he learns his lesson after being turned into a bear for a while by Father Mushroom. Yes, Father Frost and Father Mushroom are both in this. In fact Father Mushroom has way more screen time. Who’s Father Mushroom, you ask? Great question!

Anyway, Father Mushroom is the reason I used to think Tom Bombadil from Lord of the Rings was a figure of diminutive stature. In the Mystery Science Theater 3000 lambasting of this film, every time Father Mushroom appeared, Mike, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot would sing “I’m Tom Bombadil-o”. As Father Mushroom was a little guy, I assumed this was the case with Tom. Imagine my surprise when he never shows up in The Lord of the Rings movies and all his good lines are given to Treebeard.

Baba Yaga shows up! In Jack Frost, not Lord of the Rings. She flies around in a mortar and pestle and lives in a kaiju-sized cabin with legs… just like in the stories my Moldavian aunt used to tell me!

She really was the best part of this story. I mean Baba Yaga, not my Moldavian aunt. My Moldavian Aunt used to criticize me for eating shellfish and things with too much sodium. Jokes on her! I’m pre-diabetic now!

Baba Yaga was hilarious. I love when she sends her cat on an errand on a miniature enchanted sled. The sled is more character than prop and actually causes quite a bit of trouble for the protagonists.

The step sister is funny too. She’s probably quite pretty when she’s smiling and being nice in real life but they (гномы) made her up to look ugly and she acts ugly. She also uses her own jaw as a nutcracker. That was the horror element of this movie for me. She would put a hazelnut in her mouth and then slam her hand into her jaw to break the shell. She still ate the shell too so I don’t see what the point of cracking it open was. It was supposed to be funny but it makes me cringe every time.

Everyone learns their lessons, gets married, gets their comeuppance, et cetera. It’s a fun movie. Fun to make fun of. If you can’t find a regular copy, the MST3K version is also thoroughly enjoyable.

There’s a fairly recent stage version of this story reenacted by Russian pop-stars. Don’t ask me where to find that for viewing.

There was also a point and click adventure based on this story actually called “Fairy Tale About Father Frost, Ivan and Nastya”. That’s the actual title of the game. It probably sounds better in Russian.

Optional Tangent:

There was a Russian restaurant and deli near where I lived called “Золотой Петушок”. Golden Rooster in English. I have so many memories with this place. They had a mushroom soup, the broth of which was composed almost entirely of butter. It was excellent if you liked eating straight butter. The Laptovka pie was amazing though. It was a puff pastry full of what I can only compare to creamed chipped beef! What’s not to like? Except I can’t find the word Laptovka anywhere. I wonder if it was supposed to be Lopatka. That would’ve made more sense

There was also a drink they sold made of birch tree sap called Cmak! which reads as Smack! in English. My friends and I would go there and load up on Smack! That was fun to explain to people. This stuff got pretty popular in my circles.

Patrons were asked not to whistle when perusing the store’s delectables. The matriarch of the family who ran the place was a bit superstitious and believed whistling indoors could bring financial ruin. I found this out the hard way. I do hope my whistling therein was not a direct cause of the business’s downfall.

Among the many Russian cheeses, meats, chocolates, and music was a selection of Russian movies you could rent. I only learned they were for rent when their vhs copy of Morosko had been in my possession long after its return date. I thought I had purchased it. The proprietor was very nice when asking if I had finished watching it and imposed no late fees. Such a sweet family they were.

Incidentally, Золотой Петушок (Zolotoy Petushok, Golden Rooster) actually refers to a common rooster-shaped lollipop in Russia and you can see one in Morosko!

Whatever you do, don’t ask for a Золотой Петуx lollipop in Russia. It still means golden rooster but it’s highly offensive in this form and you will not be receiving a lollipop in the conventional sense.