Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

• 3 Ninjas (1992)
• 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)
• 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)
• 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)

I suppose I should address the elephant in the room. Victor Wong is obviously not Japanese, he’s Chinese. But hey, what’s the difference, right!?! WRONG! Clyde Kusatsu was right there! He was at the top of his game! I don’t know, maybe he was too busy. There were plenty of Japanese actors available to play the part in 1992. I love Victor Wong though. Nothing against him personally. I wonder if they (gnomes) offered the part to Japanese actors but they read the script and were like “Perhaps you would prefer a different actor.” That’s how a Japanese person says “Absolutely not, you morons.”

Except none of that makes sense because the first film is LOADED with Japanese actors! At least I think so. Toru Tanaka, who plays the character “Rushmore” in this very film, would have been great in the part of grandpa. They even named Victor Wong’s character Mori Tanaka! Oh wait, Toru Tanaka’s real name is Charles Kalani and he’s half Hawaiian, half Chinese. Okay, let’s get Clyde Kusatsu back in here. WAIT! HE’S BORN IN HAWAII TOO!!! ARE THERE ANY ACTUAL JAPANESE PEOPLE PLAYING JAPANESE PEOPLE IN THIS INDUSTRY IN THE 1990’S!?! I give up.

I mean, honestly, even the notion of these three little pasty-white kids being that closely related to a Japanese person is ludicrous, even if there is some throw-away line from their mom (who also doesn’t look remotely Asian in any way) as explanation. Heck, I barely accept the notion that these kids were supposed to be brothers unless the mom had some serious exposition to recite to their “dad”. Okay, now I’m moving on… really, for real this time.

I know the ninja craze was at its peak in the late 80s and early 90s and the Home Alone franchise had just begun its trip down the assembly line conveyor belt. Obviously a combination of these concepts HAD to be produced. Unbeknownst to the public, the public was demanding it.

And this is EXACTLY what the first “3 Ninjas” is, and that’s exactly why Pat Morita would have been too on the nose as Grandpa. They even throw in some bungling burglar types for the kids to terrorize inside a home while they’re alone. These bozos are clearly inspired by Bill and Ted from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989) except there’s three of them so this is completely different, right? WRONG!

I thought “3 Ninjas” was the greatest film ever made for two weeks straight when I was a kid. Then I was done with it when I watched Tremors (1990) After that, I instantaneously turned into a man and never considered they might make sequels to 3 Ninjas. I was completely unaware of them until yesterday. Seeing 3 Ninjas again as an adult, well it doesn’t even compare to Tremors, I can tell you that.

I have to point out, while I’m not an expert in the beliefs and practices of ninja, I feel it’s pretty well understood nowadays the practice of stealth and covert assassination is not considered an honorable endeavor in Japanese culture. Presenting ninja as an honorable profession with creeds and motos and codes of honor such as is attempted by these movies is the equivalent of Jake and the Neverland Pirates insisting that good pirates never steal anything. It’s the opposite of educational in my stupid opinion. Although, I’m pretty sure Tum Tum’s appalling catch phrase of “Let’s Murderlize ‘em!” coincides perfectly with the ninja creed.

3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)  keeps Victor Wong as Grandpa and Max Slade as “Colt”  but replaces the two other of the three kids who comprise the 3 “Ninjas” .

In this one they go to Japan. I think they were pretty good about keeping this respectful. “The Bad News Bears go to Japan” this was not, thankfully.

Probably the most interesting parts of this film was the fact that they filmed around the actual Hikone Castle and gardens in Japan. Also John Travolta’s brother, Joey, plays the baseball coach at the end. I saw him and thought, “That has to be John Travolta’s brother.” Sho nuff.

The film Rookie of the Year (1994) had come out the same month as this one. Kids’ baseball movies were huge at the time so naturally they had to cram some in at the end.

Kick Back did get a videogame adaptation on the SNES. It seems a decent enough side-scrolling platformer but the music is insane! It’s a recreated track right from the movie but it plays just a little too fast and never stops! It’s downright frantic!

Click the link to have the music blasted at you at high volume!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KPGVaB6zhT0

3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995) had all three original kids back. What? Why? How? Okay so here’s what happened. They (gnomes) filmed the first film and the second back to back but due to “distributing issues” this film was not able to be immediately released. This film was going to be part 2. In the meantime, Kick Back was filmed and released first.

So we get jerked around a bit as to who is playing whom. It hardly matters though. I had to look into it to make sure I wasn’t just imagining it was different or the same kids.

Also, for this being the ACTUAL sequel, this one feels way low budget compared to Kick Back. Obviously, in Kick Back, they actually go to Japan. In this one they go to Arizona… or probably just a little town in the Mojave. They film EVERYTHING in the Mojave because it’s literally Hollywood’s backyard. Lame.

There was a lot of Native American awareness being promoted in films like 1995’s Man of the House (not to be confused with the 2005 Tommy Lee Jones film of the same title). I think it was a very good thing to promote this awareness and it may have been instrumental in these nations getting more rights. To say they deserve their rights is an understatement. The plot of Knuckle Up was all about the rights of the Native American tribe in that area being encroached upon by greedy oil tycoons with too much power.

It meant well but I think the film’s goal was more to make the three boys seem more culturally conscientious after a somewhat insensitive first film. I had a hard time believing these kids were effectively kicking the asses of entire motorcycle gangs to defend these “completely helpless” Native Americans. I know it was a kids movie but that’s no excuse for it to be absurd.

Also, most motorcycle “gangs” I know of are among the most respectable and safest people you’ll ever meet who would drop everything to help a person in need, ESPECIALLY children. They were totally misrepresented in this film. A travesty in my opinion. I’ve taught my children to seek these people out if they are ever in danger. No lie.

Speaking of absurd… 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998) was utterly absurd… and I LOVED IT!

I think the difference was this knew it was absurd and it leaned way into it. What are the odds that the fourth installment of a steadily decreasing-in-quality-and-budget film franchise is just fantastic!?!

It did not do well by any means. The 3 Ninja craze had petered out almost entirely by now. Only Victor Wong would return to play his part and even his involvement was limited. The original kids had all aged out.

Adding to my love for this film is the casting of Loni Anderson as the villainess, Hulk Hogan as the admired TV superhero idol of the 3 kids, and JIM VARNEY AS AN EVIL HENCHMAN!!!

WHOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I love Jim Varney. Sorry. I’m excited.

Loni was fun… perhaps a little too fun… also old. I know a lot of people are down on Hogan now that he’s deceased. Strange how we didn’t hear so much of that talk when he was alive aside from things André the Giant said. If the extremely nice André has a poor opinion of someone, I’m inclined to believe him. But Hogan was pretty enjoyable in this film. I actually thought he was the villain until I watched it. I think I was getting him mixed up with Leslie Nielson in one of the Surf Ninjas films. Can’t wait to get to those.

Hogan’s character actually provides an opportunity for the three kids to do something very noble and you know I’m all about that.

Jim Varney as a villain is always such a treat. He’s a treat no matter who he’s playing but he was awesome in this. I couldn’t get enough of him. Frankly I’m surprised they had Loni and Hogan in this with such a delightful actor as Jim on board. He could have carried this whole movie in my opinion.

I have to applaud this fourth tongue-in-cheek installment for knowing precisely what it was and delivering quality entertainment well within its means. I would watch this one again. Its predecessors don’t hold a candle to it.

Just for the fun of it, here’s a clip of Jim Varney acting like a badass.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YEyOMlJnTMs&pp=ygUTSmltIHZhcm5leSAzIG5pbmphcw%3D%3D

[Interesting Side Note: Professor Tori Tanaka, whom I mentioned earlier, who played a henchman named “Rushmore” in the first 3 Ninjas film, confused me a bit. He looks so much like the guy who played Oddjob in Goldfinger (1964) but Tanaka’s apparent age didn’t line up. In actuality Oddjob was played by Harold Sakata. Well, turns out I’m not the only person to be confused by these fellas. Not only were they both professional wrestlers but they look so much alike, people often assumed they were the same person, even billing Tanaka as “Oddjob” Tanaka despite him having nothing to do with the role. Their pictures are even accidentally interchanged all over the internet.

I know it’s not exactly kosher to mix up people of a certain race but at least the internet agrees, these two guys actually do look similar and frankly, I have the same problem mixing up characters in movies populated with a bunch of old white guys. I mean no disrespect to either Sakata nor Kalani. They were both great.]