Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

Exhuming the following films:

Tomb Raider (2018)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

Lara Croft: The Cradle of Life (2003)

Doctor Strange (2016) was the first movie I went to see by myself. It was Thanksgiving Day, my kids were with their mom (that was allowed back then), and I wasn’t too keen on dressing up and being around people I’d have to talk to. Nothing against friends or family. I just needed some me-time.

It was lovely; the most relaxing and enjoyable thing I had done for myself in forever. It started a new era for me. No waiting to see if friends could make it or afford it. No paying the way for others. No shelling out for piles of snacks (the only way I can get some of my kids to the theater sometimes). And getting the group dynamic without having to later discuss nitpicky likes and dislikes; I could enjoy the film through my eyes only, without considering some other person’s qualms, convictions, or reservations… I would compare it to shopping alone, taking as long as you like, buying precisely what you want without outside criticism of the price and/or quality or why you do or don’t need the item. It’s all very self-centered, but there’s a time for everything, even one’s self.

I would occasionally still see movies with friends but right then, this is what I needed. I started going after work by myself frequently. Sometimes I would see more than one film in an evening. In retrospect, this may have been a result of high-function depression but I was taking care of five kids by myself, two of whom were still in diapers and one of those was still bottle fed. When they were with their mom, I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted for as long as I wanted to do it. Up until that point I had effectively been barred from seeing pretty much anything I wanted to see, so this was like heaven.

I started going to the theater so frequently, the films kind of started to blur together. I saw Assassin’s Creed (December 2016) and Alien: Covenant (March 2017) in the same night, both of which star Michael Faßbender and I can barely differentiate them in my memory. I think I might have seen Tomb Raider (2018) the same night I saw Ready Player One (2018). I don’t know if that works for the duration time each of those were in the theater, but I’m tired of trying to figure that out at this point.

I vividly remember Ready Player One. Tomb Raider on the other hand is a fog bank in my mind. This might be because I was mentally and emotionally spent and simply happy to be sitting in the dark theater with nothing to do while a movie went in one eye and out the other. Or it could be that this Tomb Raider movie just wasn’t that interesting. I know this has been a lot of preamble just to come to that point but that’s the truth of it.

This Lara Croft bore little resemblance to the polygonal, cool haired, double gun-toting, green shirted, shorty-shorts wearing, razor-sharp-breasted heroine boys were fawning over in the mid 90s. I know they were basing this version on the newer video games where Lara is more realistic and less typical ultra cool comic book super spelunker but this is the movies for crying out loud. This is escapism for many. Ultra realism doesn’t always translate to “better”.

Fawning! Ha! I remember a video where some almost adolescent kids were playing the game on some kind of talk show when they brought out a real-life model dressed like Lara Croft to impress the lads. They were more interested in playing the game than looking at the woman. I don’t think that was the reaction (or lack thereof) the directors of this show were expecting. I get it though. If presented with a videogame I’m allowed to play with or a sexy woman I’m not allowed to play with, I’ll take the game every time.

The Tomb Raider (2018) film is decent enough action but that’s about all it is. There was very little character development. Action is great and all but if I’m not led to care about the characters, the action is hollow, even if it is well done. It’s no surprise the actual sequel was cancelled and MGM no longer has the rights to it. Another production company has a reboot on the horizon. Curious to see what the gnomes have in mind to make this franchise more interesting that this installment.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) had the distinct advantage of coming out during the height of the game’s popularity. Angelina Jolie was about as close as one could get to a real-life equivalent of the titular videogame character. “Titular” means “of or pertaining to the title”. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Sure, Angelina is a beautiful woman, as is any professionally sculpted work of art funded by a wealthy financier. I’m saying she’s covered in plastic surgery. But, hey, if that’s what she wants to be celebrated for and spend her money on, I’m not going to shame her. I can’t deny, if I had the money, I wouldn’t mind being a titular character myself!

There was a gratuitous shower scene. It didn’t get too risqué considering this was based on a videogame. Regardless of Jolie being who and what she is, I don’t feel this film was shot in any provocative way. Its focus stayed on her being cool and doing cool things. I appreciated that. The film brought the character to life but didn’t make it so real it wasn’t fun anymore like the 2018 film.

The mystical aspects almost put this on par with Indiana Jones. I wonder what Spielberg’s take on an IP like Tomb Raider would be like.

The story was fun, the action was great, the characters were memorable and there was a lot of emphasis on Lara’s relationship with her father who was played by Jolie’s actual father, Jon Voight. I know it’s not Shakespeare, but I enjoyed this film and remember this film a lot better than the 2018 version.

The sequel, Lara Croft: The Cradle of Life (2003), was serviceable. They did some “get back to square one” stuff which always bugs me a bit in movies. It’s a formula that makes sense for certain sitcoms but it’s awkward in movies. Remember in Ghostbuster when Peter Venkman was starting to have a relationship with Dana Barrett then in the sequel she had a baby with no one and was not in a relationship with Peter anymore? That’s supposedly so we can see them fall in love again. It jerks the audience around though which I always hate.

The 2001 film had Croft flirting a relationship possibility with Alex West (played by Daniel Craig). Then the sequel came about. No more West. Was this to get back to square one so we could see Croft fall in love all over again? Or was this to show that Lara Croft is a powerful independent “loves ‘em and leaves ‘em” James Bond type? Hard to say with only two movies as opposed to the 27 James Bond films where we see a definite pattern.

I understand the allure of creating an equal feminine equivalent to Bond but his womanizing is hardly admirable. Why not make her better than bond in this regard? Wouldn’t that go beyond equivalent into the realm of upstanding, perhaps even role model? Just food for thought.

It probably makes her seem weak or less independent to be in a relationship and no one wants to see her leading on some weasley little weenie man. This isn’t an anime after all. It’s a conundrum to be sure. I don’t fully know what the answer is. Whatever it is, some explanation as to what happened to to Alex would be nice. What, did he run off and become James Bond or something? Was Lara Croft a bad influence on him?

Anyway, I liked the sequel almost as much as the first. I would have liked to see more Lara Croft with Jolie and fantastical mystical stuff. Not whatever it’s turned into. If it had started out like the serious non-mystical version I might be more accepting of that one but when you go into the theater expecting one thing and end up getting another… usually that means I need to watch it again later to better appreciate it and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Aside from the main films there is a sepulcher full of short films, some fan-made, others slightly official, which AI generated responses are trying to present as genuine installments. Do your own research, kiddies. There were some points of interest though… mostly animated.

Re\Visioned: Tomb Raider Animated Series(2007): A mini-series in high acclaim, produced by online video game service GameTap, this is ten episodes written, directed and animated by a group of professionals (like Peter Chung of Aeon Flux). All ten episodes are available on YouTube.

Tomb Raider: Provenance (2024): This seems to be a fantasy casting of an animated film that doesn’t exist. I looked deep and wide and all I found was multiple contradicting cast lists. If anyone has any info on it being anything beyond this, let me know.

Tomb Raider: The Legend of Lara Croft (2024–2025): This is the Netflix animated series which I haven’t seen yet but some guy in the comments for Re\Visioned: Tomb Raider said the Netflix series was garbage in comparison. I’ll eventually judge for myself.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do a gratuitous shower scene.