Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

Intricately planning the multifaceted extraction of details and opinions regarding the following films in precisely this order, provided no major hitches occur and everything goes according to plan:

Ocean’s 11 (1960)

Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

Ocean’s Twelve (2004)

Ocean’s Thirteen (2007)

Ocean’s Eight (2018)

Full disclosure, I endeavor not to spoil anything, but a clever person may be able to surmise a thing or two from my commentary.

Wow! They certainly milked this franchise for everything they could get. I came upon Ocean’s 11 in my list and realized I hadn’t seen three out of five! I had some homework to do.

Having seen Ocean’s Eleven (2001) and Ocean’s Twelve (2004) I decided to start with the 1960 original.

Right off the bat, it reminded me of an old episode of Mission: Impossible except I couldn’t put together what they were doing until they did it.

They spent a lot of time with the phosphorescent spray paint; talking about it, applying it in multiple casinos, talking about it some more, demonstrating how it worked because no one in the early 60’s (aside from soldiers in the Viet Nam war) knew what phosphorus was. And what was the payoff? They could follow foot prints and hand prints in the dark with special glasses… which isn’t actually how phosphorus works. Don’t worry though. By the 70’s people had phosphorus figured out and shag pads the world over would be dripping with the stuff.

The reason they needed to see in the dark? They’re gonna cut the lights at precisely midnight on New Year’s Eve. You heard that right. Ocean’s Eleven (1960) is a Christmas/New Year’s movie. Watch it with the kiddies for special holiday feels.

The driving power behind this film is not really the story, acting, or even music in my opinion. Sad, considering the whole Rat Pack is in it. The draw to 1960’s Ocean’s Elleven is star power which isn’t to say I was much impressed with that either.

I found the story mediocre and disappointing, the acting is blah, the music consists of Dean Martin singing “Ain’t that a Kick in the Head” about fourtysix times and Sammy Davis Jr. singing variations of the enigmatical “E-O Eleven”.

That one I had to look up. E-O Eleven? What the hell does that mean? E-O? Shouldn’t it be O-E for Ocean’s Eleven? Well it turns out “E-O Eleven” is what they say in craps games to differentiate eleven from seven. Of course! That’s something everybody knows about and can relate to! <—Sarcasm. Let’s make the entire movie’s theme center around those lyrics!

It was great to see the stars doing star stuff and all but honestly the biggest point of interest to me was Caesar Romero. The rest of these guys are working on being theives. Caesar Romero is trying to thwart them. Shouldn’t he be the protagonist?

Romero’s acting is top notch in this. Seeing him as NOT the Joker for once makes me wonder what it would have been like to see him play the Joker not so much as a cartoon but with a more serious take. I think it would have been amazing. To see a serious take on Batman and the Joker in the 1960’s! Could you imagine if John Frankenheimer directed a serious Batman film back then!?! Of course Sinatra would probably be playing Bruce Wayne. I think I’d be okay with that. He could sing “Ain’t that a Kick in the Head” while actually kicking villains in the head.

Angela Lansbury would have been a HOT Catwoman.

When I saw the remake in 2001 I had zero preconceived notions as to what the film was trying to be. I may have overheard someone mention that it was a remake of an old Sinatra film but that meant nothing to me at the time.

Now that I’ve seen both, the remake is far superior in my opinion. It’s a heist movie that involves 11 fellas. That’s about all they borrowed from the original and good on them for so doing.

Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia), the owner of multiple Las Vegas casinos, is a greedy and unscrupulous fellow. The film takes its time demonstrating this point. Not only that, he’s got Danny Ocean’s girl on his arm.

Tess (Julia Roberts) had left Danny Ocean (Batman) because he was a thief and Terry was a legitimate business man who owns multiple casinos. Danny decides the best way to win her back and prove he’s a moral upstanding man is to pull an elaborate heist and take Terry’s Casinos for everything they’ve got. That makes perfect sense.

Granted, it’s more complex than that. Hilarity ensues, as the saying goes.

While this is a star studded cast, it’s studded with stars known for their acting ability not just a bunch of cool guys who hang out at Hollywood pool parties pretending to drink.

It would be easy enough to sum up my opinion of just this film but this story continues into Ocean’s Twelve (2004). I’ll say, generally I liked the direction it went. It was suspenseful, funny, and entertaining. I have deeper thoughts but I don’t feel I can voice them without giving major plot points away.

In Ocean’s Twelve, Terry Benedict wants his money back and he’s mighty threatening about it. What? Repercussions from staging a major heist? Imagine that. I appreciate another film where Danny and the gang are being held responsible for their actions such that they were. Not that I’m rooting for the unscrupulous Terry. But there might have been a better way for Danny to achieve his goals without involving 10 other fellows and stealing from a clearly vindictive foe. That probably wouldn’t have made for such an exciting film though. The title “Terry, Danny, and Tess Sit Down and Civilly Discuss their Relationship” isn’t really one that invokes visions of high stakes action.

Naturally for Danny, the only way to pay Terry Benedict back is to (you guessed it) stage another elaborate heist. This time Tess is going to help! Is she the 12th member then? I don’t know and I don’t care.

I don’t remember much about this film besides it just being a bunch of semi-believable heisty stuff. It was fun enough. The best part though was when the heisters decided they needed Tess to pretend she’s Julia Roberts. If you recall, Tess is played by Julia Roberts. Tess (the character) was not pregnant. Julia Roberts however WAS pregnant with twins Hazel and Phineas in 2004. So Tess had to “pretend” to be pregnant to be Julia Roberts. Good stuff.

[Oh no! A major hitch has occurred discordant with my intricate plan for a multifaceted extraction of details and opinions from these films in a precise order! What a twist! Who could have foreseen this!?!]

I actually saw Ocean’s Eight (2018) before I realized I hadn’t seen Ocean’s Thirteen (2007). 

It’s okay. We can make this work. I have a plan. I played tennis with a guy who knows a guy who saw these in the right order. He owes me a favor. Give me five minutes and you’ll have your Non-review.

Here we go.

You might assume Ocean’s Eight takes place three movies before Ocean’s Eleven. In fact it takes place three movies after because who cares about math!?! Certainly not casinos!

Ocean’s Eight is a sequel not a prequel. Danny Ocean is supposedly dead though clearly no one believes that. That’s one downside to being a conman. When you actually die, people want you to prove it.

Instead of Danny, we get the previously unmentioned sister of Danny Ocean, Debbie, played by Sandra “The Bionic Woman” Bullock. In fact, most of the cast consists of women, albeit none of them are “bionic”. Would have been a lot cooler if they were.

As the cast all shares some factor beyond just being human, naturally if anyone says boo about it they (gnomes) can play the “Oh, you’re just a bigoted hater who just hates all (insert historically oppressed people group).”

Let me go on record as saying these ladies were a classy bunch and appropriately dressed except for Anne Hathaway. Good actresses, the lot of them! Very entertaining and it was interesting to see a heist performed with the feminine touch. It was a fresh perspective. I really enjoyed this cast. And kudos to Helena Bonham Carter for having the chutzpah to play a character who is a poor actress! Only a phenomenally confident actress would take on such a risky role as that and pull it off so well.

You know what else would have been interesting though? A cast consisting entirely of Shetland ponies… or toasters. While these ladies’ acting is far superior to equine beasts of burden and kitchen appliances, it couldn’t help the overall plot in my opinion, which is not their fault. They acted great. I just found the end result lackluster.

I won’t give anything away but I can’t help but feel like Danny’s initial heist was at least motivated by a noble cause and Debbie’s heist… well, just wasn’t.

Maybe I am being bigoted and biased. Perhaps you have a perspective I’ve not considered. I’d be happy to hear it. I just think if the men get a noble cause (albeit dubiously executed) and now we want a film where the women look cool and do cool heist stuff as the “protagonists”, wouldn’t we want them to not appear petty by the end of the film? Does it not make these women poor examples of womankind if the entire motivation for this heist is petty relationship stuff? I mean it was more than that but, not much more.

I guess I’m not into revenge… or stealing. Regardless, this was an entertaining trek.

Ah, but here’s the twist! I was only using Ocean’s Eight as a clever ruse! It’s Ocean’s Thirteen (2007) that wrapped things up a little better and now I can end this article on a high note! It was part of my elaborate plan all along and no one is the wiser!

Ocean’s Thirteen feels a bit revengy. Al Pacino’s character Willy Bank almost kills one of the original 11 with the shock of screwing him royally out of everything by threat and force no less. Danny is not happy about it (He’s not dead yet, remember). True to form he sees fit to get everything back for his slighted friend and take down Willy Bank in the process. He just needs some funding from his ol’ pal Terry Benedict who wants a slice of the jewel encrusted pie in return.

Every effort is made to demonstrate how despicable Bank is, even down to him tossing aside a heartfelt note of appreciation from a loyal executive. He’s just the worst and Al Pacino is having a great time being him.

I was enjoying the film thoroughly enough when they dropped a crazy bomb on me. I heard a voice. A unique scratchy voice from my childhood. I knew precisely who it was from the first word. BOB EINSTEIN WAS IN THIS MOVIE!

Then they showed him and it WAS HIM! SUPER DAVE OSBOURNE!?! What are you doing here!?! Why aren’t you the star of this film!?! Why aren’t you playing a daredevil!?! Don Cheadle is wearing your outfit and acting like Evol Knievel with Stars and Stripes leathers on!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME, MOVIE!?! THIS IS A HEIST FILM AND YOU JUST DROP SUPER DAVE ON ME WITHOUT WARNING!?!

I’m a fan of Super Dave.

There was some serendipity in Thirteen that seemed improbable. The impossible cell phone problem seemed just too easily solved.

Yes, there’s some far-fetched tongue-in-cheek difficult-to-suspend-belief moments in any one of these films. Yes, we’re following the “theives” and therefore forced to root for the criminals, so to speak. It could be construed as the lesser of two evils, I suppose. It’s not me engaging in illegal activities so I don’t mind being entertained by it in fiction. I would draw the line at more heinous crimes.

Personally, I feel like the ending of Thirteen was very redeeming for the Danny character. It wasn’t about helping himself finally. His motivations throughout the franchise might never have been about stealing a bunch of money for himself per sé, but in Thirteen Danny becomes Robin Hood, and I can get behind that endeavor more than I can in the previous films. I do like the George Clooney films, but I like them more as a whole now than as individual films, knowing how Thirteen wraps it up.

Let’s hope the 2026 Ocean’s Fourteen doesn’t screw up this nice resting place. And who knows what to expect with the Margot Robbie/Bradley Cooper Ocean’s prequel set in the 60s. I’m intrigued. I wonder if they can redeem the original a bit.

Now my wife says I must watch The Bad Guys and The Bad Guys 2 so as to compare to these. I’m inclined to oblige.