Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

(2021)

Oof! I’m not cranking these out so fast anymore. I write during slow periods at work and we ain’t had no slow periods! Why do people go to lunch at 2:30pm? There’s never just a lunch rush. It’s just busy all day long.

Anyway, we were talking about movies…

Most don’t peruse the discount DVDs at their local grocery store expecting to find a gem but I sure as heck do. I don’t know where these DVDs come from nor why a grocery store, of all stores, would end up with them. These aren’t comestibles. You can’t feed them to your family of seven, and don’t think I haven’t tried. And yet these purveyors of produce have my number. They know I’m going to saunter into their store looking to grab some milk and eggs and then they blindside me with a selection of the most random low budget straight-to-dvd videos ever conceived. My God! I’m only flesh and blood! What’s a man to do!?!

My kids groan and try to find places to lay down. They were expecting a quick trip with maybe some treats at the end but now they must endure an hour and 45 minutes of me perusing this amazing selection.

Finally, after sifting through piles of ridiculous horror films that look like someone filmed in their backyard, I find one! Snow Monster vs. Ice Shark!

Yes! This deserves my $1.50. I happily paid. Probably forgot the milk and eggs. The kids excitedly begged for .50 cent sodas as we exited the store.

“What do I look like, the Jolly-olly Soda Pop Man?” I shouted at them.  “We don’t have money for such frivolous extravagances! Now get into the tricked-out Humvee! No I’m not going to lower it for you! You think hydraulic fluid grows on trees!?! CLIMB!”

I’m joking. I bought the kids’ sodas. I certainly forgot the milk and eggs though. Also my mini van is miniest and vaniest of all mini vans.

When I brought this dvd home my wife was so relieved. Not because of the dvd but because I was gone so long just to get milk and eggs she feared something dreadful had happened. She was actually less pleased when she saw the dvd in my hand.

“I guess we’re having eggless omelettes again.” She said as she went back to the kitchen.

“Relax.” Said I, a word which always brings an immediate soothing effect on women. “I got the kids sodas! They’ll be too hopped up on caffeine to worry about something as trivial as food.”

Long story short, my wife decided she wanted to watch this with me for reasons I know not. Perhaps to curry some kind of favor, perhaps as a show of solidarity, or perhaps to periodically glance at me mockingly as if to say “You forgot eggs on omelette night for THIS!?!”.

Whatever the reason, it was quality time well spent.

Okay, so most of that was a fabrication but the spirit is there. My wife is actually pretty chill and would’ve probably just gone to the store herself and got the eggs and a new pair of opal earrings.

Speaking of chill, Snow Monster vs. Ice Shark is not Snow Monster vs. Ice Shark. It’s actually just Snow Monster. The Chinese title even reflects this fact. Yes, there is an Ice Shark but don’t expect a huge epic battle between the two of them. It really is no contest. The Ice Shark had maybe 30 seconds of screen time? It would be as if they’d changed the name of “Jaws” to “Jaws vs. Chrissie the Skinny-Dipper”. It’s technically true but it’s still misleading.

What I did enjoy actually was seeing some modern day quality “suitmation”, a word often attributed to Eiji Tsuburaya of Godzilla fame. As you may guess, suitmation refers to filming someone acting inside a monster suit amid miniatures or, today, more likely green screen. It honestly looked pretty good. The strange melding of the Yeti myths with Godzilla’s proportions, it’s reminiscent of such pioneering classics like Toho’s 1965 film “Frankenstein Conquers the World” but with updated effects. Not the biggest budget effects, mind you, but tolerable.

Unfortunately for kaiju fans, the majority of this film took place in some desolate icy fantasy location with zero buildings to destroy. I’m sorry but what is the point of a kaiju film but to see a giant monster destroy stuff!?! The ice shark could have destroyed a darling little village in Heilongjiang or something and then the giant snow monster could help them rebuild after the fight because he’s a nice snow monster who helps people!

The villains were uncomplicated death fodder. Evil for evil’s sake. They may as well have been an evil junior hockey team or a team of inexplicably evil storm chasers. These guys needed DNA from the snow monster and the beautiful benevolent behemoth had to die to get that sample. It was the only way! Thankfully some stuff happens and someone didn’t die and roll credits. Also, I think there were some moving stone columns, zombie bats, and a tribe of moth worsh… I mean snow monster worshipers.

My wife and I really only wanted one simple question answered. When the first group of researchers were attacked, they were in cars. When the second team showed up looking for the first team, they had to stop their cars far away and trek in because, as one character points out, you can’t drive to where the others are. Except the first team were in cars. Maybe I’m misunderstanding exactly what happened. Maybe the first team moved from where their cars were, into a safer location they could not drive to and the second team was aware of that fact.

We must have missed some important detail and therein lies the real crux of my evaluation. The film did not have the power to keep my interest enough for me to catch important details or they (Tudigong) just didn’t bother maintaining any consistency with the writing. The fact that I don’t know which is the case is a bad sign for this film.

I highly recommend this film’s trailer. Any watching beyond what you see there is worth neither the time nor effort.

Box art!