Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

Ye Gods this was stupid! What a let down this was! Giant bugs? Seriously? That is not what we paid to see and I want my money and time back! When date night comes around I have only enough time for dinner, a movie, or sex. I’d do all three at the same time but the theater management and my wife each have their own respective complaints about doing so. It’s understandable. So imagine my disappointment when I realized I traded food and sex to watch a movie about giant bugs not giant dinosaurs. I mean I opted out of those things. I paid for tickets with legal tender.

I checked the official trailer. Guess how many shots of bugs were shown in the trailer. There was a one millisecond shot of a giant indecipherable swarm cloud engulfing a barn. It might have been bugs. It might have been a T-Rex fart. It told us nothing about bugs. This is absolutely 100% false advertising and I want Universal to babysit my children while I go have Italian food and then do some other stuff that’s none of your business.

Even scraping the bug plot to the side of the plate and trying to enjoy the other tidbits of movie made for a lackluster experience. It was primarily a nostalgia fest for nostalgia’s sake. I’m sorry BD Wong, I like you, you’re a great actor. It’s just that nobody cares about Dr. Henry Wu. Likewise, no one cares about Lewis Dodgson coming back. I didn’t make the connection that Cameron Thor and Campbell Scott were even supposed to be the same character. No one did.

While we’re at it, no one cares that Walter Peck came back to Ghostbusters.

You want to bring someone back that would make my nostalgia sense tingle? Bring back Samuel L. Jackson and Wayne Knight as undead Dino-infused zombies! Also give Samuel L. Jackson a lightsaber and a scene where he gets to say he’s tired of these #%*£¥ dinosaurs on this &@$%* plane! I’d watch that for a dollar! Bugs!?! Are freaking kidding me!?!

They’ve made four more of these films after the two good ones and they never once realized while a good story is great and all, we just want to see dinosaurs eat people, okay? Not bugs. If we want to see bugs eat people we’ll go watch Starship Troopers. If we want to see Bryce Dallas Howard in a serious romance drama we’ll go watch Terminator Salvation. If we want to see Chris Pratt eating bugs we’ll go watch that video of Chris Pratt eating a bug on YouTube.

These started off decently, then you brought in bugs. You could have had the exact same plot with a swarm of compsognathus or make a herd of raptors eat all of our corn. I don’t know if that would be cool or not but I do know it would still be cooler than bringing effing BUGS to a DINOSAUR FIGHT!!!