Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

I was thirteen years old when Clueless came out. If you had told me then that Clueless was a modern rendition of Jane Austen’s Emma, my reaction would have been “Huh, interesting. I’m going to resume playing Super Metroid now.”

I didn’t know or care who Jane Austen was. I didn’t know or care who Emma was. I was only concerned with how to beat Kraid with only 10 missiles.

Fortunately, because of my eventual desire to have marital relations with an intelligent human female, I had to pretend to enjoy Jane Austen movies over and over again. What can I say, I have a type.

You know what though? I’ve now seen so much Jane Austen, I’ve become a bit of a Jane Austen aficionado… at least among other straight men who spend their time playing Super Metroid and eating buffalo wings with no napkins near them. I genuinely like Jane Austen stuff. I’ve even considered writing some Jane Austen parodies. Thanks to a number of cultured girlfriends, I actually turned into a bit of an intellectual compared to my 13 year old self and I managed to marry a woman who is undeniably smarter than me! 

So when she told me that Clueless was a modern retelling of Jane Austen’s Emma, my response was “Capitol, Mrs. Popinjay! I must confess I had no right to decide on the quality of this film, nor any reason, upon my own judgment alone, to determine and direct in what manner this film was to be regarded. Shall we then?”

“Indubitably,” said she, and we proceeded to our home theatre, arm in arm.

After the herald had announced our arrival and the usher showed us to our box, I commented with an air of regality “You know? ‘Twas my fancy this was simply a show about dumb girls and devoid of any substance befitting serious consideration!” We laughed haughtily and then turned our noses toward the crystal chandelier as we peered disapprovingly at the forgotten people down in the common seats.

“My but the groundlings are pungent today, aren’t they, wouldn’t you say?”

I saw Gwenyth Paltrow’s Emma a while back so I was pretty familiar with the original story. I was actually rather excited about the idea of an ignorant and shallow high schooler who takes up archery but alas, no archery happened in Clueless. Alicia Silverstone did however deem herself matchmaker of all match makers which all blows up in her face in act three as you’d expect.

I appreciated Emma because the protagonist has to realize she has been the antagonist for much of the story. She realizes she does NOT know what’s best for everyone and her manipulations have been to the detriment of all with whom she has meddled. What’s worse, she has hurt people and when she realizes this is not at all in line with who she thought she was, she sees fit to apologize and change herself.

In a world that so values the “Sorry, not sorry” attitude, the notion of apologizing and trying to be a better, nicer person is refreshing.

Cluess puts this concept into accessible language with loads of humor. Yes, there’s some “dumb girl” jokes but Alicia’s Cluelessness is not that she’s dumb, in fact she’s quite clever. Her cluelessness is in the fact that she is at first utterly unaware of her arrogance in thinking she knows best for people. Then she becomes batgirl. It’s quite the turn around from meddling matchmaker to nocturnal arbiter of justice. Man, I hated Batman and Robin! Alicia Silverstone with her pouty “Unky Alphie” MAKES ME SICK!!! How could they expect me to take that movie seriously!?! HOW!?!

Well, if you’ll be so kind as to excuse me… my boy fancies a bandy of dexterity and quick thinking in the sport of Mario’s kart racing and I do believe I shall provide him the opportunity to figuratively dine, much to his chagrin, on my proverbial dust, as the saying goes! Good evening!