Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

Have you ever wondered what went down 12,025 years ago but you can’t stand Ray Romano? Well, you’re in luck because someone had video cameras back then and they filmed it and Ray Romano is no where to be seen!

I saw this so long ago I feel like it WAS 10,000 BC.

It’s nice they put the BC on there so we know this isn’t a future movie. Then again would it matter? With the way things are going I’m sure we’ll be a bunch of mastodon hunting cavemen in no time. I’ve met quite a few Neanderthals already.

I’ve heard some people pissin’ and moanin’ about the use of Before Christ and Anno Domini when denoting years. It has been almost universally employed even from one culture to another and if some culture decides they want to do it differently that doesn’t hurt my feelings at all. Jewish historians denote the years differently long before Christ came along. The Chinese zodiac doesn’t match the Roman calendar at all. By Aztec reckoning it’s either the end of the world or time to buy a new turquoise encrusted sundial.

My only beef is with the complaints about BC and AD relating to Christianity. I have no intention of starting a theological discussion here. Personally I pertain to Jesus’ teachings more than any of the multiple organized religions that have de-evolved around him: that is to say I try to love people no matter who or what they are, I don’t covet my neighbor’s oxen, and I share my fishes and loaves and wine with orphans and widows.

But the complaint about BC and AD being associated with Christianity is silly to me because this: The days of the week are named after Norse gods. The months of the year are named after Roman gods or the Caesars who were worshiped as gods. The study of lighthouses is named after the Pharaohs! My point is there are going to be remnants of the past connected to all manner of modern things! Do we really have to change EVERYTHING just because its origins make us a tad uncomfortable? I guess I’ll let my kids decide. I’m too old to be starting paradigm shifts in language and culture. Should I find out I’m completely wrong, I’ll eat my hat. I’ve already eaten a couple. Baseball caps are nasty. I once had a salad consisting almost entirely of a man’s derby.

So anyway 10,000 BC. Pretty exciting mastodon hunt. Guy gotta fight a sabertooth tiger. People haven’t figured out how to combine foods to make other foods so they just bite right into huge peppers and try to choke it down. Oh and the untouchable living god king is using slave labor to build a really neat ziggurat in honor of himself. He’s such a happy fella.

I enjoyed the spectacle but I feel like this “defeat the living god king” has been done to death. Here’s my tier list of such films in order of best to worst:

1: El Dorado (Dreamworks)

2: The Man Who Would Be King

3: 10,000 BC

4: 300

So here we are in the year 12,025 ADUALGK (After the Death of the Untouchable Almighty Living God King) and I gotta say, I could really go for a mastodon burger. Why hasn’t there been a  Pleistocene Park movie yet? Is it because we have the Ice Age movies and no one would be able to differentiate them? I want to see Jeff Goldbum get chased by a gigantic sloth.