Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

Do you love Three Stooges movies but wish there were less stooges? Do you love the “Brothers” aspect of the Marx Brothers but don’t condone Marxism? Then this is the film for you!

The Three Musketeers 1939 is a musical comedy parody of Alexander Dumas’ heroic tale starring Don Ameche as D’Artagnan and The Ritz Brothers as the three goofball lackeys who inadvertently become the unlikely stand-ins for Athos, Aramis, and Porthos.

My first recollection of this film was that it was stupid and forgettable. The Ritz Brothers were another comedy trio who came out of Vaudville but were never really as popular as The Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers. You know when you ask your mom for something from the store but she says we have that at home, except what you have at home is some weird generic brand knock-off your grandma bought you from a roadside market in Thailand. The Ritz Brothers are the Three Stooges you have at home.

Okay, their opening song was kind of cringy, and they were literally plucking actual chicken carcasses right on screen. I realize that’s part of the process when pounding chickens back into the shapes of dinosaurs but I had a hard time thinking “humor” and seeing this action performed. It gets better though.

Actually, the Ritz brothers’ whole act improves throughout the film. The scene with all three of them stowing away in a small chest was particularly amusing. It all slows down again when they cover themselves in cymbals to “entertain the queen” or whatever their flimsy pretext was to squeeze this routine into the third act. It was monotonous and annoying and dragged on. That’s vaudeville for you sometimes though.

The plot was compelling enough to keep my interest. Something about the queen having to wear a particular brooch that was a gift from some Spanish prince maybe which she had carelessly given as a token to a guy and Cardinal Richelieu is trying to catch the queen in a conspiracy so the “musketeers” must retrieve the brooch and return it to the queen before the night of the ball. Standard musketeer plot, though I can’t say it has anything to do with anything Dumas ever wrote and I don’t intend to research it right now because my head hurts after writing these run-on sentences.

You can take it or leave it. I mean you can always take it or leave it but I’ll say you’re not missing much if you leave it but if you take it you’ll be pacified for an hour and ten minutes and that’s worth something I suppose. Speaking of leaving it…

Fun fact: This is the very film about which Beaver, from Leave it to Beaver (1963), wrote his book report instead of reading the Three Musketeers book. The fact that Beaver’s report was wildly inaccurate compared to the actual story should provide some clues as to the lack of parallel this film holds to the book. Or better yet, just read the book for real. And read The Man in the Iron Mask too. Also, The Count of Monte Cristo. You know what? Just read everything by Alexander Dumas. He is a profound writer and his stories never slow down, partly because none of them include cymbal routines by the Brothers Ritz.