Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

THIS ARTICLE IS NOT FOR KIDS! If you’re under the age of 32, go play with blocks or something.

As I had accumulated and watched an amount of random Pooh features, so shall I write here about an amount of random Pooh features.

A Happy Pooh Year (Aka Winnie the Pooh: A Very Merry Pooh Year) (2002):

There’s some crazy shit going down in this 70 minutes! Everyone is driving Rabbit nuts so they take on New Year’s resolutions to not be themselves but then they just end up switching personalities. It’s all inoffensive fun.

Pooh’s Grand Adventure (1997):

I love Pooh but I freaking HATE Pooh’s Grand Adventure with every fiber of my being. My kid’s middle school used a quote from this film during one of their ceremonies and attributed it to Pooh and it tears me up inside! 

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think”

This is the antithesis to what Pooh is about. Neither Pooh nor Christopher Robin is about spewing sentimental BS. It’s boring af. The original might have sweet moments like these but they’re earned and sparse. Whoever wrote this hot garbage needs to be slapped repeatedly on the buttocks until they remember what fun is.

I could write a book on how much this sucks and I’d read it to children at the library on Thursdays just so I can once and for all put an end to the droves of people whose childhood was formed by this drivel.

“Ohhhhhhh, I LoOvVvE Winnie the Pooh! He’s so cute and sweet and wise and caring!”

NO HE’S NOT! POOH IS BLISSFULLY NAÏVE AND SELF-CENTERED!!!

He’s just never mean or conceited.

How would you feel about a guy who crawls into your house by the window after assuming you accidently locked the door and then proceeds to invite himself to lunch at which point he eats every last drop of your honey. THAT’S THE POOH I LOVE!!! He gives 0% shits until he finally realizes he has upset you but that might NEVER happen.

I don’t usually encourage hate-watching, but I encourage you to watch this so you will find out how much you hate it. And if you love it, don’t call me anymore!

Detective Tigger:

This is a collection of episodes from The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1989) which so far as I can tell are all fairly decent episodes and, for the most part, generally adhere fairly well to the true spirit of innocent fun and ignorance that Pooh is supposed to embody. From the title of this collection you may have guessed, all these episodes have to deal with the alter ego of Tigger, that of Detective Tigger, Private Ear.

These episodes are titled

• Tigger, Private Ear
• Sham Pooh
• Eeyore’s Tail Tale
• The Invasion of the Pooh Snatcher

“Invasion of the Pooh Snatcher” is the single most greatest title of any work of fiction I’ve yet encountered. I would pay good money to see a full-length film at the theatre called The Invasion of the Pooh Snatcher.

Detective Tigger has a pension for solving mysteries which would be impressive had he not been personally responsible for causing said mysteries in the first place. It’s all quite enjoyable.

It reminds me of my ex-wife who could seemingly sniff out an extramarital affair with Sherlock Holmsian skill. This became less impressive however once you realized she assumed literally everyone she met was having an extramarital affair. She also hated Pooh because she believed he promoted voodoo.

Vinni Pukh: (1969)

These three episodes [Vinni Pukh (1969) Vinni-Pukh Idyot v Gosti (1971) and Vinni-Pukh I Den Zabot (1972)] are based on the Russian “translation” by Boris Zachoder. I put translation in parentheses because Zachoder’s translation is almost a complete rewrite of A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh stories. Zachoder was considered a bit of a master wordsmith which helped the translation of many half-nonsense words make half-sense in Russian. Where English speakers would recognize words like “heffalump” and “woozle” as mispronunciations of “elephants” and “weasels”, a Russian speaker might not make similar connections without Boris’ appropriate changes.. Zachoder also reconstructed the humor to better appeal to Russian adults.

Fyodor Khitruk would work with Zachoder (tumultuously) to create these animated shorts. The artwork is designed to look like a child’s drawing. The voice work is adorable (we hear Pooh, Piglet, Rabbit, Eeyore, and Owl). The music is on par with the Disney version. The humor translates back into English well but the timing and intonation in its original Russian is just as hilarious even without knowing the language. Without a doubt, Boris Zachoder understood Pooh very well.

To this day my kids still recite:

доброе утро…………. винни пух!

доброе утро…………. поросенок!

The longer they wait between “доброе утрo” and “винни пух!” the more they laugh afterward. Good memories.

Winnie the Pooh’s 123s (2004):

Assuming the perspective of a person who has never learned to count, I suppose this would be a pretty enjoyable way to learn. I’m still partial to being taught numbers by a purple felt vampire but this is not bad. I suppose I can’t expect a plot that focuses on counting things from 1 to 10 over and over again to be the most riveting thing written. It accomplishes what it set out to do though. This crap needed to be counted and by-cracky WE COUNTED IT! Not just one or two things either. ALL TEN OF THESE BAD BOYS! Cute songs. Great voice acting. All the numbers from 1 to 10. Great stuff. 5 stars. A tour de force.

And Now, for your reading pleasure, a list of titles I’d like to see Pooh in, none of which come close to the greatness of “Invasion of the Pooh Snatcher” but they amuse me anyway. Hey! Try counting them!

1: Tea for Pooh

2: NYPD Pooh

3: One Pooh Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

4: The Pooh Lagoon

5: Stuck on Pooh

6: It Could Happen to Pooh

7: Deep Pooh Sea

7: Taming of the Pooh

8: Peggy Pooh Gets Married

10: A Pooh to a Kill

11: Pooh Only Live Twice

3.14: You Can’t Take Pooh with You

$: Mickey Pooh Eyes

-0%: Ratapoohie