Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

(1982)

Sorry it’s been a minute since my last blog, I’ve been drawing a pickle car and building medieval weaponry for my children.

Wow, this was deep! Deeper than I care to go right now. There are countless videos on YouTube which go into the history and meaning of The Last Unicorn. The book by Peter S. Beagle stands in high regard as does this animated feature, though there may be perhaps two separate camps on the matter.

My first introduction to this story’s existence came from a couple of my favorite YouTubers, Dan Avidan and Arin Hanson (aka The Game Grumps), specifically due to a cover of the main theme from The Last Unicorn on the album “Under the Covers” (2016) performed by Ninja Sex Party, one of two bands with which Mr. Avidan is affiliated. Ha! Nailed it in one sentence!

Avidan explains that Peter S. Beagle did not receive the most lucrative credit for his contribution to the animated work (like, you know, writing the book on which the entire thing is based) and so covering the theme was a means to generate awareness of Beagle’s book tours… or something like that. A very kind gesture.

It’s a great song originally written by Jimmy Webb and performed by the band America. It’s really the highlight of the film in my opinion. Here’s a brief excerpt sample:

• When the last eagle flies
• Over the last crumbling mountain
• And the last lion roars
• At the last dusty fountain
• In the shadow of the forest
• Though she may be old and worn
• They will stare unbelieving
• At the Last Unicorn
• When the first breath of winter
• Through the flowers is icing
• And you look to the north
• And the pale moon is rising
• And it seems like all is dying
• And would leave the world to mourn
• In the distance hear her laughter
• Of the Last Unicorn
• I’m alive
• I’m alive
• When the last moon is cast
• Over the last star of morning
• And the future has passed
• Without even a last desperate warning
• Then look into the sky where through
• The clouds a path is torn
• Look and see her, how she sparkles
• It’s the Last Unicorn
• I’m alive
• I’m alive

The Last Unicorn” Lyrics written by: JIMMY WEBB, Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Oh! I went and pasted the whole song in. OoOoOps!

Now if you’re a burly lumberjack with callouses on your callouses and a beard that grows into a perfect coiffure two feet long straight out from your face, if you wear nothing but three inch thick denim and plaid flannel shirts, if you leap from tree to tree while singing and laughing with a basso profondo oktavist voice: first of all, you may be Paul Bunyan, but, more importantly, you might wonder “what’s all this girly talk about unicorns and sparkles and cupcakes!?!”

My answer to you is “SILENCE KNAVE!” This is no tale of frilly pretty pretty girly girl stuff and so what if it was!?! I’d probably still like it. The unicorn is a badass in this story. She faces the Red Bull, one of the coolest looking on-screen villains since Charles Dance in Last Action Hero… or possibly Forté, the enchanted pipe organ from 1997’s Beauty and the Beast: An Enchanted Christmas, voiced by Tim Curry. Also, no one said anything about cupcakes; you made that up.

The scene with the harpy was terrifying! Let me tell you! You’re not going to see an old hag get torn to shreds and consumed by a harpy while watching My Little Pony… be a lot cooler if it did though. Shit gets real in this film!

My favorite character by far is the talking pirate cat. Yes, this film has a talking pirate cat in it. I had so many questions for this cat. How did it come to talk? Why was it involved in piracy? Was he the pet of Captain Hook? Does he know any models of modern Major Generals? Why doesn’t he have his own movie!?! Why!?! Unfortunately no cat anywhere has ever given anyone a straight answer.

I read PSB (Peter S. Beagle) was not so enthused with Alan Arkin in the role of Schmendrick. Alan has been all over my articles lately. He was a great guy with some great roles. Maybe this one wasn’t for him. It’s not his fault.

The unmistakable Christopher Lee was great as usual. I heard he did the voice of King Haggard in both the English and German versions of the film because he’s that damn cool.

The theme of this story, which didn’t really occur to me until I looked into deeper analysis delved into by more interested people, is obviously mortality. Every character we meet is dealing with some existential crisis in some way, shape or form.

The unicorn is at first concerned that she is the last of her kind, a distressing thought for one immortal such as herself. When she is turned into a human for her protection, she becomes distressed at her sudden mortality as she can feel her human body slowly dying by the second. A horrifying thought which we as mortal humans have simply known as normal. For the unicorn this was a new and terrifying feeling.

Schmendrick himself is cursed with immortality until he should become a better magician. Not much motivation for self-improvement depending on your perspective. Nevertheless, he seems displeased by this arrangement. I may be referring to things mentioned in the book more than the movie though. That line has blurred for me a bit at this point.

The old witch seems to know the Harpy she has in captivity will eventually be her undoing and is fully accepting of this inevitable eventuality.

One middle-aged lady, who would join Schmendrick and the unicorn on their quest, is actually angry when she first sees the unicorn, crying “Why!?! Why now when I am so old!?!” Apparently she’s been wanting to see a unicorn for a long time with no luck. She regretted a life spent having not seen such beauty and wonder. Apparently people have written essays upon essays regarding this character’s reaction. But not me! Moving on!

Even a skeleton our merry band meets in King Haggard’s castle has a profound lament regarding how regrettably bound by time he thought he was in life:

“When I was alive, I believed- as you do- that time was at least as real and solid as myself, and probably more so. I said one o’clock as though I could see it and Monday as though I could find it on the map. And I let myself be hurried along from minute to minute, day to day, year to year, as though I were actually moving from one place to another. Like everyone else, I lived in a house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days. And I never went outside until I died, because there was no other door. Now I know that I could’ve walked through walls.”

I’m not sure exactly what is meant by this speech. All I know is, after reading it, I’m late for work a lot more often and I’m okay with that. My boss on the other hand views the constraints of time a bit more literally.

I quit paying attention to my age when I realized I was going to live forever. A lot of people don’t grasp that concept. They attribute so much to this arbitrary number based on what, movement of celestial bodies? I’m unconcerned. We only exist in the present. The only reason time was invented was so we wouldn’t have to watch all our favorite tv shows at the same time. So I’m going to take care of things I have here in the present and be content. Maybe I’ll work on becoming a better magician… when I get around to it.

I have had the distinct pleasure of receiving a reply from Peter S. Beagle in response to this very article which I sent to him for his approval just prior to publishing. I post his response here:

“Dear Chris:

Thank you more than I can tell you for your letter!

The key to understanding THE LAST UNICORN is that I was making it up as I went along.  Literally.  I have a very clear memory of the summer I spent somewhere in New England, sharing a cabin with my oldest friend, a painter I’d known since we were about four years old.  He came in from working about midday, looked over my shoulder and read, “‘The unicorn lived in a lilac wood, and she lived all alone..,’  What’s a damn lilac wood?”

I looked up from my kitchen table and snarled, “What the fuck do I know?  Go paint, for heaven’s sake!”

He laughed, grabbed a snack out of the fridge, and went back to painting until dinnertime.  And in the evening we made some sort of dinner, and then we stayed up playing our guitars all night.  That was very long ago.

The movie was actually made as I wrote the script, which is something I’ve come to learn was a remarkable occurrence.  Both Alan Arkin and Christopher Lee (both astonishing, fascinating men and actors, as I came to know them) stayed friends of mine until they died, which is a wonderful thing by itself.

Thank you so much for your letter, Chris.  It brightened my day, and days beyond it, more than I can possibly ever tell you.

Yours,

Peter S. Beagle”

Many thanks to Mr. Beagle for his wonderful view into the making of his excellent story.