Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

Avatar (2009)

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Avatar: Fire and Ash (2025)

NO spoilers for “Fire and Ash”. As for the previous two films, I make no promises.

The word “Avatar” is a common word derived from Sanskrit meaning “Incarnation”. While the Nickelodeon series AND its terrible associated live-action film directed by M. Night Shyamalan were both available to the public first, James “I nearly drown my actors” Cameron had rights to the Avatar title as far back as 1994. Despite one being TV and the other being cinema, Cameron still managed to force the sequel to Nickelodeon’s Avatar series (The Legend of Kora) to not bear the Avatar word. That’s right, James Cameron disabled people who aren’t him from using a common word. Amazing.

I almost included Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005) in this Non-review as a joke. I was going to feign confusion as to how said film has anything to do with the other Cameron films. Obviously it doesn’t, but let’s not add to the confusion. Don’t worry, I’ll lambaste that film soon enough.

I like to deal with franchises all at once but James Cameron’s Avatar films are scheduled for sequels clear out beyond the second coming of Christ and I’ve spent far too long a time watching these 3 hour cartoons to not write SOMETHING!

Yeah, I called them cartoons. These films are as “live-action” as Disney’s “live-action” Lion King movie was. If anything, they’re on par with Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988).

I’ll give credit where it’s due though. The CGI in these is way better than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s upper torso stuck to that giant scorpion monster in the Mummy Returns (2001) and that was only 8 years prior. It even looked better than the youngified Jeff Bridges in Tron Legacy (2010) but I guess that’s not saying much. It was uncanny seeing Sigourney Weaver‘s fully functional face on that ten foot tall Smurf.

I watched the first film (runtime 2hrs 42mins) while rolling dough. It took three sessions and I paused it and went to the restroom whenever I wanted. People were already making comparisons between this and Dances with Wolves (1991) but these fish out of water stories have been around forever. It’s always an amusing premise that I shan’t fault. It had plenty enough new and interesting details to make it fresh in my opinion.

Cameron is a man of action though. He puts people in extraordinary situations but not much effort into making those people interesting nor relatable, seemingly hoping the characters’ situations make them so. Yes, we as the audience may derive or apply traits and/or relatability because of those situations but I find most of Cameron’s characters to be blank slates. Avatar, ironically opposite to its namesake, is not an incarnation of characters, it’s a presentation of situations facilitated by reactive drones. That’s fine in Terminator. Unacceptable in Titanic. Avatar is now over 9 hours long. You’d think the characters would arc a bit in that time.

The first film was definitely an achievement and a spectacle. But when it wrapped up, I was satisfied. So satisfied in fact, when its sequel The Way of Water came out, I skipped it. I really didn’t want to sit though something that long which I only found mildly interesting the first time around. And frankly, the Na’vi’s practice of attaching their head tales to that of another animal I found kind of disgusting. You’ll not find ME doing such a thing!

Then I saw the trailer for the third installment, Fire and Ash, and I thought, “Hey, that actually looks kind of cool.”

So I figured I’d better wade through Water so I can endure the Fire.

I watched Water at home. It took three sessions. I paused it and went to the bathroom whenever I wanted.

The third time I sat down to finish the movie, it was on a date night. I had hot chocolate with a shot of Bailey’s. My Lady was cuddled up next to me, frantically grading papers and creating lesson plans, my adopted brother/ex brother-in-law (one in the same) was methodically scraping plaster onto a wall he recently built to separate the kitchen from the laundry room. It was magical; definitely in the top five best dates ranked thus far, easily.

[Intermission! For your convenience and comfort, please feel free to stop reading and utilize this time to refresh yourself in the available facilities. Why not refill your drink? Or partake of the many delectable treats the nearest pantry has to offer! Thank you. Your Non-review will begin again in just a moment.]

Seeing our villain Quarich as a Na’vi was interesting. The soap opera as to whom Kiri’s father is was predictable but not tedious thankfully. Meeting the water tribe was pretty cool. Learning that the whales were a soulful intelligent ancient species was fascinating and probably an accurate depiction of our own whales who are definitely smarter than they let on (evidenced by their decision to refrain from communicating with us.)

Since I was watching at home, the 3 hour 12 minute runtime was bearable. True to form this film is one long string of events as only James Cameron can string them. There was plenty to look at and it had enough new information to drag me along even if I only agreed to it just to get to the next film.

Aside from my complaints of Cameron’s usual tropes, one big one is this 3 hour ordeal feels like a sitcom episode in which we’re back to square one at the end so we can have a new set of wacky hijinks on next week’s episode. There are no resolutions by the end of this film. I guess that’s the definition of a cliffhanger but when the characters aren’t evolving it feels tiresome. I expect a modicum of relief after a hefty number two like this. Interpret that how you will.

Finally came the day I would go see Fire and Ash. I saw it at the theater on a Monday at 11:30. It didn’t let out until 3:00. I ate a quadruple western bacon cheeseburger and drank a large Dasani beforehand. I had only ordered a triple but they must have realized I was going to see this movie and slipped me an extra patty just to make sure I didn’t starve to death before the film’s climax. 

Needless to say, I did not pause the film and use the restroom whenever I wanted. Not a single time in my life passed childhood had I ever been compelled to exit a theater to use the restroom and I was not about to now. However, my stalwart determination was proving to be a poor life choice in this case.

In 1956, Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments had a runtime of 3 hours and 40 minutes. People were excited for this epic cinematic account of the Plagues of Egypt and the Hebrews’ exodus to the promised land. My grandma took my dad to see it at the local drive-in. He has vivid memories of the event. The length of the film was said to be perfectly appropriate for such a remarkable story. But this lengthy runtime accounted for some courtesies included at DeMille’s insistence. The theatrical release even included a short explanation by Cecil himself informing the audience of the very necessary intermission half way through so theater goers wouldn’t piss themselves, leading to unpleasant odors and costly cleaning bills. He was a gentleman’s gentleman that Cecil.

James Cameron, on the other hand, wants your bladder to explode VIOLENTLY! The Way of Water? That’s low hanging fruit. To add insult to injury, at about the two hour mark, the character Spider begins to complain about having to pee. He’s next to a beautiful flowing river. You’re killing me, James!

Some have speculated that this scene is the director’s subtle way of saying now is a fine time to go to the restroom. Personally, I took it as a tease more than a cue. The film didn’t stop. There wasn’t an “Intermission” title card on screen for ten minutes, no 3 minute Entr’acte. Cecil B. DeMille didn’t show up and implore me to evacuate. Spider doesn’t even get to pee!

“And neither should you!” I imagine James shouting from a megaphone atop his towering boom cam, and then he’d laugh maniacally.

By the 3 hour mark I was on the internet looking to see just how long this film was and trying to remember exactly when it started. Were there after credit scenes? No? THANK GOD! But it was going to be another 17 minutes before I’d be able to slosh myself to a restroom stall. I began to consider my empty Dasani bottle. However after a mental flashback to an incident involving Paul Reubens, I thought better of it. Way too many half-naked blue people in this film to take a chance like that.

I hope, for Camron’s sake, he made a lot of money off these films because I for one will be sending him my Urology bill.

So how was the actual movie? Honestly it seemed like a rehashing of events in the previous film. Yeah, there’s some new stuff but these last two films REALLY could have been A LOT shorter. I believe they could have been condensed into a single 3 hour film, made just slightly longer after we strap James Cameron down and whack his ass with a cricket bat until he agrees to include an intermission.

James just needs to kill some of his darlings. There were “payoffs” that took two films to set up and they accomplished NOTHING to further along the narrative. The whole thing is artificially LENGTHENED in that way. Not every idea that pops into your head needs to make it into a single film. Save some ideas for other films or other directors even. I know there are currently longer cinematic stories out there but most are a good mix of meat AND potatoes. Avatar feels like it’s all potatoes. You’re uncomfortably full afterward, but you’re not satisfied. I was burnt out at the end of part two. Part three was only nominally revitalizing and you have parts 4 and 5 planned!?! Kee-RIPES, man, park the bus!

Well, time to take my own advice so I shall bid you “Adieu!” But I will leave you with these sage and timeless words:

The letters in the word “Runtime” can be rearranged to spell “Mt. Urine”. Please write to James Cameron and inform him of this very interesting fact!

Trifurcated poster art!