Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non Review by Professor Popinjay

Spoilers ahead… I guess.

Written and Directed by Steven Sommers who brought us such films as The Mummy (1999) and G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (2009), Van Helsing is precisely what you might expect: action-packed quirky fun from which you come out feeling like you just watched a cartoon but you KNOW those were real people doing those silly things.

I loved Van Helsing. I could tell while watching, it was silly mumbo-jumbo that was half tongue-in-cheek, half taking itself way too seriously considering its subject matter and it’s great for both aspects. It’s the perfect form of escapism. Exciting, not too real, not to grisly (although the werewolf transformations were a bit shocking). Fun stuff!

I imagine some might watch Van Helsing and conclude it’s the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen and they might be right. I happen to know from experience though that there are films out there which are MUCH more stupid. I would advise such people to see Tommy Wiseau’s The Room (2003) or Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010). Van Helsing is Schindler’s freaking List compared to those!

I feel like this time period was a golden era for me. It was so nice to shut my brain off and just enjoy a film. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore. They (gnomes) cranked ‘em out too! The Mummy, Mummy Returns, Pirates of the Caribbean, King Arthur, National Treasure, Clash of the Titans, to name a few. Maybe I’m just getting old but it seems like only Disney+ is putting out anything remotely close to things like this and it’s facilitated by a bunch of Mickey Mouse Club rejects who can’t act their way out of a paper bag.

Actually, Universal has been trying to restart their classic horror monster cinematic universe since the 60s, about the time when they started petering out, the public’s interests diverting away from effects monsters over to more psychological horrors. The classic monsters have had their following but never really a fully mainstream reaction again with perhaps the exception of The Mummy (1999). That could explain why Sommers became Universal’s golden boy and why they drove The Mummy franchise into the dirt, milking it for every last drop of profit.

And they’re still at it. In just the last 5 years we saw remakes of The Invisible Man and The Wolf Man. While Invisible Man was considered successful, Wolf Man was underwhelming. So it’s hit and miss, I guess. Regardless, it’s just amazing to me Universal is so desperate to keep these monsters alive after so long.

Van Helsing is full of vampires and awesome werewolves and Frankenstein’s monster (who looks strangely like Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein) and even Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I knew all this long before seeing the film because Carl’s Jr. (Aka Hardee’s) was punching me in the face with promotional material from the minute Steve Sommers had the idea.

Van Helsing wraps these monsters into one film and ties them together with an all-encompassing (albeit convoluted) plot that is trying its darndest to get you to come back for more. Sadly, not enough people were interested in more. Most weren’t even interested in some to begin with.

I can’t deny, the plot lost me. I was just there for the visuals and action… and music. The hints that Gabriel Van Helsing was actually the biblical Archangel Gabriel was kind of stupid. The whole reason his name was Gabriel is because Sommer’s thought Abraham was too mundane. BRAM Stoker didn’t seem to think this, obviously, having originally named this badass character after himself.

There were some pretty stupid parts. Like, how did they swing across the precipice to Dracula’s castle? Was their grappling hook attached to the moon? Even if the rope or chain was connected to the castle, they’d either hit the bottom of the ravine and/or have to climb to the top of the rope to get to the castle.

Then there was the “…and everyone lived happily ever after… in heaven” epilogue when we see the characters showed up in the clouds Mufasa style. Hoo-boy. Thanks for spelling that out for us, Steve.

I don’t care. I still liked it.

BOXART!