Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

(2000)

The Return? Is this a sequel? Research reveals it is NOT a sequel. So why Merlin: The Return? Well, because Merlin was somewhere else at the beginning of this film and then he came back. Duh.

By this logic any film where someone goes away and comes back should have “The Return” added to the title.

I must accuse Merlin: The Return of trying to cash in on the popularity of the 1998 Merlin series, not to be confused with the 2008 Merlin series.

Incidentally, Merlin’s Apprentice, an ACTUAL sequel to the 2008 Merlin series WAS included in the 6 fantasy movie collection I’ve been watching; right there with Mysterious Museum, and Merlin: The Return.

The plot as I was able to ascertain is about some kids and a portal connecting modern times with medieval times or more accurately to “the realm of King Arthur”. A bunch of knights get into the modern world and attack a semi truck. The guy driving the truck is non-plussed but also strangely not nearly as surprised as most would be in that situation. It’s almost as if this was commonplace.

There was also some kind of hullabaloo with some scientists and Morgana. The whole affair just was not engrossing enough to activate my “give a shit” receptors. It pretty much went in one eyeball and out the other.

One actress stood out to me in particular. She looked an awful lot like an elderly version of Tia Carrere. Turns out it WAS an elderly version of Tia Carrere! Tia Carrere herself in fact! What is she doing in this movie!?! She must have owed some favors! She wasn’t even the main villainess. Total misuse. She was just in the live-action Lilo & Stitch (2025). She doin’ fine.

Adrian Paul is also in this, though after the Highlander series was cancelled I imagine a film like this is about his speed, judging by his filmography. Hey, at least he’s working. He was a good lookin’ dude and his acting wasn’t half bad. I’m surprised he didn’t do bigger roles.

I know I said I try to be kind to low budget kids’ films. This doesn’t feel like that. This feels like a film adults were meant to take seriously which just happens to feature kids. Mysterious Museum had a fun charm to it compared to Merlin: The Return. Merlin: The Return was deadly serious at times and unintentionally goofy at other times.

Watch the knights’ attack on the semi truck for a good laugh and then skip the rest of this.

Boxart!