A Non-review by Professor Popinjay
(2026)
My wife received this film as a birthday present from her mother. Her mother enjoys Hallmark movies (half legitimately and half ironically) and Solo Mio is kind of like a pretty decent Hallmark film. Probably not the best endorsement depending on which Hallmark movies you’ve seen.
There’s tolerable Hallmark films and then there’s bad ones where snowmen become sexy clueless studs and get seduced or they seduce someone or something stupid like that. They’re enjoyable either way and no judgement from me toward anyone who genuinely enjoys them but please, don’t pattern your life expectations on them. They’re about the furthest thing from reality you can get.
Solo Mio is not a Hallmark film, mind you. It just kind of feels like one. Hallmark is known for their convoluted and yet strangely formulaic, heavily idealized romantic comedies. Solo Mio is about as ideal as they come. But it was cute.
If I imagine a narrated trailer for this film, it would go like this:
“He was a big dumb American left at the altar at his extravagant wedding in Rome. She was a slender, super-attractive, infinitely adorable, remarkably candid, overly-helpful, olive-skinned, dark-eyed, gorgeous, pretty, beauty, Italian barista who was practically perfect in every way. Also, spoiler alert, she’s related to famed opera singer Andrea Bocelli which factors heavily into the story, why not?
Can they get along in the city of love? Probably not, because they’re in Rome, not Paris. (Boing-oing-oing sound effect, followed by screeching tires, and then we see Kevin James get kicked in the groin by a horse.)
Solo Mio. It’s love at SECOND sight. Do-hoy!?!”
And then the audience unanimously asks itself “Why would we want to watch Kevin James fall in love?”
I’ll tell you why! Because he’s slightly overweight and has nice eyes, therefore he’s hilarious and adorable. Why shouldn’t he fall in love with a gorgeous Italian woman? That’s what I did! Although in my case she’s German, not Italian, but she and I are working on that.
Kevin brought his friends along to be in the movie too. No! Not Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider! I mean Kim Coates and Jonathan Roumie! These fellas and the ladies playing their wives (Alyson Hannigan and Jules Cerda) are fantastic! The guys are very funny apart from the ladies. They’re even funnier when they’re interacting with their respective on-screen spouses. Dude! When Coates says “Meghan! ATTACK!” And she just clobbers someone! So good! Love it!
Yeah, there’s a bit of serendipity going on but you can’t have everything so realistic as to be believable. It wouldn’t be interesting otherwise. Why make movies about the mundane? Don’t do it! I’ll know and I’ll find you.
The inevitable drama that occurs is not trumped up. I appreciated that. You can almost define Hallmark films by their concocted drama based on misunderstandings which are inexplicably not discussed (like actual humans would do) but drastically acted upon for the sole purpose of filling up runtime and creating a scene.
There’s always some conversation overheard by the lady and taken out of context. Forty-five minutes later, she’s firing rockets into blimps or some other spectacular thing before the guy stops her and asks “Why are you doing this!?!”
And she’s like “I thought you hated me and my weird rocket launcher hobby and you were going to ask your ex to marry you on a blimp but I didn’t know which blimp so I started blowing up every blimp I saw because I was jealous.”
And he says, “My darling, you misunderstood that conversation you were eavesdropping on. If only you had started snooping a second earlier you’d know that I was saying I asked my ex to marry me on a romantic blimp ride several years ago but she said no and that’s why I always suffer high anxiety when I get near blimps thus explaining my odd behavior when we ran into my ex on that impromptu blimp excursion your parents made us go on.”
“So I didn’t need to explode all those blimps?”
“No, sweetheart! I love you, Genevieve Willa-metty! Let’s get married! On a blimp!
“Yes! I love you, James Blimpsteen!”
“Blimpety-blimp-blimp-blimp!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Switch out the variables with anything else and that’s the formula for Hallmark love, baby!
Solo Mio doesn’t have this crap though. I know I made it sound like fun but in reality this is usually tedious drivel. Solo Mio’s drama is not contrived. It’s fantastic and improbable but, when it hits, you’re genuinely curious to see what happens, instead of annoyed and impatient as with the previous “blimp” situation.
[Author’s note to self: Don’t forget to later insert a nifty transition paragraph to smoothly segue into the next subject… you’re not going to, are you? That’s the whole gag, isn’t it? Seriously, sometimes I don’t know why I even bother. You’re just going to switch from blimps to opera without any warning whatsoever. Fine! Have it your own way but don’t expect me to write you reminders in the future.]
If you can imagine, Kevin James sings “Nessun Dorma” from Puccini’s Turandot. It’s an interesting choice for the grand gesture in this film considering Turandot is an opera about a man who wants to marry an unwilling princess but strikes a deal with her, that if she can guess his real name before morning he’ll willingly go to the gallows. The song refers to a decree from the princess that no one shall sleep by penalty of death until the man’s name is learned.
The song makes more sense from Kevin James’ position, who wants to marry Gia who is, for reasons unbeknownst to him, suddenly unwilling. It’s an apt song but it could imply he’s saying Gia is a cold cruel person who kills people who sleep instead of doing her bidding. Thankfully, she does nothing like this in the film. That would have made for a very different movie.
That having been said, the film is deeper than it seems as none of this about Turandot is ever mentioned. I just thought it was interesting.
Cute movie. And funny. I recommend it.
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