Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

By Professor Popinjay

There are many documents of great importance bearing significant historical, cultural, and even scientific relevance clear into the modern world; Ideas passionately recorded by our forefathers and foremothers which have stood the test of time and shaped our way of thinking and living; innovations of thought, some divinely inspired, others originating from the righteous indignation of influential men and women fighting for the basic and necessary rights of the human being, or brilliant revelations from people pioneering new horizons into the functions of mathematics and the natural world far further than anyone had before thus altering the course of mankind indelibly. The Dead Sea Scrolls, The Declaration of Independence, the lost notebook of Srinivasa Ramanujan: these are only a few writings that come to mind when we consider the awe inspiring inscribed lineage of homosapien enlightenment.

And yet, all of these sacred parchments will pale in comparison to the words you are about to read. Witness and take heart with hopes for a bright and prosperous future as I, Professor Popinjay, unveil to you the miraculous history and phenomenal prospects of that wholly astonishing machine, the leaf blower.

In this day and age it’s uncommon to see someone walking down the street WITHOUT a leaf blower. You’re more likely to see a person on the street without a shirt. The use of leaf blowers has gone beyond practicality, beyond household items, beyond common place. They have transcended fad and style! They are a part of us. They are a basic necessity, like drinking water or shoes with lights on them. Any time something needs blown, we as a species are at the ready, hindered neither by need of preparation nor forethought.

Hardly a parent doesn’t bestow upon their newborn infant, just seconds out of the womb, the child’s own first leaf blower to grow with and master. Seeing your child effectively utilize their leaf blower is now on par with witnessing their first steps or hearing them say their first word which you hope to God is neither “mama” nor “dada” but rather, “leaf blower.”

But how did it get this way? Perhaps some ancient stone tablet will unravel the mystery to the primordial genesis of this remarkable tool that blows leaves around.

To whom we rightfully attribute first conception of this Machina Deorum has long been a point of contention amongst leaf blower historians since the machine’s arrival in the 1950s. Some insist it was the Kyoritsu Noki Company. Others insist it was a man named Aldo Vandermolen. Of course it’s utterly inconceivable that two people out of 2.5 billion on different sides of the planet could come up with the same idea at almost the same time. As we have found through the annals of man, there can be only one originator or any given idea. Any who would claim coincidence are heretics.

One could assume the Japanese would simply push their leaves into the sea as it is so readily available, being only five minutes from the most inland point (false). But then again, that’s how Hedora the pollution kaiju came to be (true), so maybe not.

New York and New Jersey on the other hand have been attempting to blow crap into each other’s yard for centuries, for instance: Chevy Chase.

A resident New Jersuite, Aldo Vandermolen, seems a prime candidate to invent a device such as the one in question. The fact that he has never owned a patent on the invention makes this claim all the more veritable.

We could quibble over who invented what indefinitely but that would just detract from time spent playing with our leaf blowers. Let’s not fight. The point is, the leaf blower was gifted to the Earth dwellers by these modern day Prometheuses whom we should deify. End of story.

But what inspired these titans to steal blowers from Olympus? Well, I’ll tell you! I don’t know! The Kyoritsu Noki Company was just dusting his crops one day with his gas-powered backpack-style crop dusting machine and noticed the machine blew more than dust. It blew air too! And that air in turn blew other things like leaves, and styrofoam cups, and school papers that inevitably spilled into their driveways as his gaggle of children undulated out of the family vehicle.

Kyoritsu thought, “この機械を使えば、ゴミを隣の家の庭へと吹き飛ばせる。そうすれば、もう二度とゴミのことなど考えずに済むだろう。さて、お昼は寿司にしよう。

At that exact same moment, Vandermolen went walled-eyed and thought, “With this machine, you can blow your trash into your neighbor’s yard. That way, you’ll never have to think about trash again. Also, why do I have a sudden hankering for something called sushi?”

This confused onlookers immediately around Vandermolen as he had actually been working with a wood chipper at the time. In his mind however, the gas-powered back-pack style leaf blower was born.

Up until this point, leaf blowers were huge clunky machines with wheels, hardly practical for practical jokes or for use as a means of propulsion when fiddling with your dinghy on a windless day. We still use the large vehicle-like leaf blowers today which both blow AND suck, but strapping one of these to your back would more accurately be described as strapping yourself to it. If it was your intention to be the operator of said machine, you would not be aptly positioned… plus you’d look really stupid.

Once the idea of a hand-held leaf blower was hatched, everyone and their mother started selling their version. It begs the question: what the hell were we doing with ourselves up until this point? With leaf blowers suddenly in such high demand, why did it take until the 1970s to innovate the idea to what we now have? It’s not like we’d been blowing leaves around with our mouths until then. It’s not like leaves used to be 10 pounds each and then just suddenly got lighter. No! There is something else at work here! This isn’t merely about blowing leaves. There are a thousand more economic, productive, and COURTEOUS ways to be rid of unwanted debris. I say the leaf blower is an invention extending straight out of our inherent need to rapidly expunge from our sight any form of extraneous labor. The leaf blower is an ingenious, intricate, masterly crafted machine for shirking work! It’s a “somebody else’s problem” machine.

But isn’t that the very definition of a tool? To make life easier? Work smarter, not harder, right?

Well if you’re just blowing your leaves and/or trash to one spot and then personally picking it up en mass and discarding the accumulation into the proper receptacle, a blessing on your head. You’re a damn decent human being and you’re using the blower as a tool for good not evil.

If you’re like my neighbor, Ted, however, then you’re blowing all your debris and garbage back behind my tool shelves and into my various bins so I have to clean them out every time I need an item. In that case you’re a cancerous polyp on the anus of society. Shame.

You want the answer as to why EVERYONE now needs one of these tools to abuse? It’s because of Ted! What is the end game here, TED? Do we all just blow our crap to the East indefinitely until it circles the globe and one day becomes your problem again!?!

A tool that just creates problems for others is a useless tool, just like Ted… or Artificial Intelligence.

Anyway, so as to not get sued for false advertising: Leaf blowers are often used toward fashion models to create wind for dynamic photo shoots. Want to spice up your love life? Take a leaf blower to the boudoir and point it at your partner’s face. Instant spice.