Professor Popinjay's Compendium of Perspicacity

A Non-review by Professor Popinjay

WARNING! THIS ARTICLE IS NO MORE APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN THAN THE 2003 CAT IN THE HAT MOVIE WAS. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

I did it! I can’t believe it! I actually finished this movie! I have been trying to watch this all the way through since 2003 and I JUST COULDN’T DO IT!

Until now!

I had unfortunately initiated the viewing of this feature in poor company several times over. The first time was with a girlfriend who expressed disappointment at the night’s proceedings should it involve this film’s continuation. We ended up turning it off and making out instead. Not an entirely disagreeable transpiration but in retrospect regarding that relationship, ultimately I think I would have preferred the antics of Mike Meyers. Hindsight is a cruel mistress.

I had small children at the time of my second bout with this film as well as a wife who decided without merit that literally everything was ₽0rň0gr@₽h¥. Naturally she was scandalized when the Cat in the Hat ogled a magically-appearing centerfold of the mother of the fictional family.

I suppose that joke is a little edgy and it was weird that he was blatantly checking mom out right in front of the kids. It came and went and I didn’t think too much of it though, but the Missus at the time, Hoo-boy, she turned this dirty smut right off so we could more conveniently fight about it all night long.

“If YOU were a magical hat-wearing cat would YOU ogle someone’s mom?”

“You’re someone’s mom.” I said as I donned my extremely tall multi-colored top-hat and twitched my whiskers.

“So you WOULD!?! HOW DARE YOU!?!”

Seriously, what is the matter with these people!?! I just want to watch a movie about a cat who wears a hat! It’s a hilarious premise that I MUST experience! Clearly the universe is against me!

Am I glad to be divorced and remarried so I can now watch movies like The Cat in the Hat in peace? Yes, I am! Totally worth it. My wife was asleep the whole time! Finally, I could satisfy my fetish for anthropomorphic cats!

Yeah, so the Cat in the Hat movie sucks.

The kids were great. Dakota Fanning and Spenser Breslin stood there with mouths agape most of the time which was probably less acting and more natural reaction to what they were being exposed to.

Mike Meyers, an uproarious improviser, is forced to depend on a myriad of scripted prop humor. They should have just hired Carrot Top to be the Cat in the Hat. Then at least no one would see the film and we wouldn’t have to be here wondering why it exists at all.

The rare instances when Meyers was actually funny was when he was momentarily allowed to be himself. Those moments are few and far between though because the script calls for Meyers to strap on a fake butt and poke it in our faces. Hilarious.

Things 1 and 2 were nightmare fuel. Seriously, I would have preferred the angry rapping Things 1 and 2 from the  Dr. Seuss vs. William Shakespeare Epic Rap Battle of History. If you’ve not seen that, seriously, what are you doing with your life?

The only snicker, nay, TITTER it got out of me and my kids is when Meyers as the cat is sitting in the car with Fanning and Breslin and he feign bites Fanning’s cute little nose. It was some genuine impromptu comedy acting, all two seconds of it. He was having real fun with the kids. Throw the script away and let Mike be Mike. It might have saved this film.

I found Alec Baldwin very relatable and not JUST because he too was ogling someone’s mom but also because he seemed super pissed to be in this movie. I know I would be.

Why? Because from start to finish this film is obviously a soulless cash-in to the popularity of the live action How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000).

It takes a beloved story that virtually has no point beyond helping kids enjoy reading (and that’s just fine) and half-assedly tacks a point on which doesn’t hit home because the characters are hollow and then it flips you the bird and tells you to GTFO.

And then they made $#!++¥ tie-in video games to go with it!

In the words of Jim Carrey as the Grinch:

“The avarice never ends! ‘I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make GLUE!’”

This movie exists in complete defiance to the lessons we learned in How the Grinch Stole Christmas and there is almost NOTHING enjoyable or even remotely funny about it. Shame!

Gaze into the face of fear!

Oof. Think I’ll go enjoy reading.